I’ll Buy Your Mushroom Superfood If You Promise to Stop Asking
The irony is that your mushroom superfood promises me more energy, which I wish I had now, so I could resist ordering it.
Tag: Anger
Fuck You, Sunset
When Bob Ross painted you, he always put the trees in front of you. Don't wonder why.
Buddy, You Went and Messed with the Right Guy
Are you fucking with me? Because if you are, I swear to God that, with ZERO hesitation, I will absolutely let you do that.
This Bowl Sure Is Getting Hot, Huh?
Now I’m halfway to the table, and this bowl is burning my fucking hands off.
The Pac-Man Ghosts Are Unionizing
Why does Pac-Man have to eat us? We’re starting to doubt the “we’re a family” ethos he’s always mentioning while he races after us, lips flapping.
The Grapes of Wrath, and Other Dangerous Fruits to Avoid
- “Economically anxious” strawberries - The blackberries of our discontent - The raspberries of road rage
Sure, My Right to Marry Might Be Overturned, but Am I Bringing Strange Energy to This Dinner Party?
Has that ever happened to you? Where your body is moving but your mind starts to dissociate? I bought party hats! Who wants one?
10 Best Places to Ugly Cry About Your Shitty Life
Driver’s Seat of The Car You Still Haven’t Paid Off: If your ancient Volvo is visibly shaking from your pent-up emotions, then you know you’re doing it right!
Terms and Conditions Agreement Between a Local and a Fucking Summer Person
The Summer Person is permitted to remark out loud a phrase along the lines of “This town is so quaint” a total of (1) time.
Please Familiarize Yourself with Mr. Satan’s Views Before Calling Yourself a “Devil’s Advocate”
Aside from praying for the catastrophic downfall of the entire human race, Satan's honestly a pretty reasonable guy.
I Am Going to Yell
I am going to yell into a pillow. I am going to scream in an empty car. I am going to throw a full tantrum in the grocery store cereal aisle.
This Is a Test of the LAST NERVE Emergency Alert System
The alert system will be preceded by two sharp tones — "Hey! HEY!" — followed by "Listen, Buster."