Letter to My Wife After She Casually Told Me She Knew Someone Who Was Eaten by a Lion Ten Years into Our Relationship
I would think this would be first-three-date territory, even. Instead, you decided to mention it a decade into our relationship.
Tag: Death
A Typical Work Day or a King Dying Slowly on a TV Show?
Women are underrepresented / The news is not good
Come Die on My Boat
There’s also the excitement of trying not to throw up. If you have to vomit, there’s a whole ocean available.
Hitman or Hot Man?
Does he keep dropping hints about a dark backstory? Everyone knows that the hottest men are deeply traumatized by their pasts.
Post-Life Satisfaction Survey
How did you hear about Life? - Was never informed about Life, just thrust into it with no agency or choice. - Instagram.
My Self-Driving Car Lets Me Focus On It Killing Me
Better to be in a state of terrified anxiety that your autopilot could end your life at any moment.
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jekyll
I had been changed into the hideous Mister Jekyll. That’s right... I WAS NO LONGER A DOCTOR!!!
Just Because You Have Issues and I’m Murdering You Doesn’t Make This “Elevated Horror”
I’m sorry you have broader personal or political issues you haven’t resolved, but those have nothing to do with the ways I’ve been killing you guys.
Ways I Imagined I Might Die When I Was a Kid
I decide not to say “please” or “thank you” and I’m immediately pummeled to death by a diner waitress.
Yelp Reviews of My Near-Death Experiences
I'll cut to the chase. The tunnel was too long and the light at the end was not bright enough.
If You Want the Marching Band to Get Off the Field, You’re Gonna Have to Fight the Tuba Player
I know, it’s fucked up. And I do not envy whoever has to go toe-to-toe with that buffalo of a man.
Obits for the Unused Produce in My Kitchen
We mourn the loss of Avocado, survived by literally everything else in the kitchen.