Featured | Page 25 | Points in Case

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We’re all hurting. Which is why we need to stick together, much like these beautiful hardwood scales and the brass pins they’re fastened with.

Trix: You, a 55-year-old with no children, are trampled to death during a trip to the ball pit by a group of angry second graders.

I'm giving three stars because I kind of want to worship the orb, but not every day, only on important orb holidays.

You realize you are alone and so is your spirit, crushing you with the existential terror that you are irreparably flawed at the cellular level.

She was slathered, head to toe, in Russian dressing, and I was ready to eat at Moscow’s most exclusive restaurant: Flavortown.

Count down from 10 to 9. "Please don’t be mad, I know you’re going to say, ‘I know how to count down to zero and explode,' and I know you do baby.

"Check Out This Really Big Plate of Spaghetti" (9/1/20) – It seemed like an excellent decision at the time. It was a really big plate.

Let whiskey cook slowly until boil. Add reckless spoonfuls of cinnamon until brown haze floats over liquid like a haunted fart.

Left sleeve: Since my left hand is not my dominant hand, I could probably make it an hour or two without this sleeve, but it wouldn’t be ideal.

Best wishes: You are a cold-blooded sadomasochist who is fully aware that by vocalizing one's wishes, they will never come true.

Early Adopters: The line you wished you’d gotten into to get the better kids than the ones you’re in lockdown with.

Step 4: Find the Studs Inside the Wall - Use a stud finder for this, and definitely don’t point it at yourself first and say, “Found one!”