The Yard Work Will Have to Wait Until I Recover from This Nasty Case of Havana Syndrome
I think I can muster up just enough strength to go put the gardening tools away but that’s about it. Just give me a second while I try to stand up.
Tag: America
I, Clark Kent, Resign from Speedwriting Listicles at The Daily Planet
Before Lex Luthor’s hedge fund bought us out and we started reporting only by telephone, I loved running to crime scenes.
Introducing the Blowharder: the Loudest, Biggest, Baddest, Most Polluting Leaf Blower Ever Made!
Get a jump on fall by stripping the leaves off trees in August. Dry your car in nanoseconds. Demolish political lawn signs from hundreds of yards away.
Nathaniel Hale Has Some Additional Regrets, Actually
I regret that I have but one chance to offer a high five to the executioner while I’m on the gallows and then say, "Hey, don’t leave me hanging!"
We Need to End Big Government Regulation of Knife-Fireworks
The suits on Capitol Hill are scared of an everyday American taking two of our country's greatest pursuits, knives, and recreational explosives.
Frequently Asked Questions About Our Fragile Democracy
What does democracy look like? This is what democracy looks like: it’s kind of pear-shaped.
U.S. Presidents Order at Starbucks
Ulysses S. Grant: A cup of whole beans--Starbucks Christmas Blend--to eat raw as he squashes his enemies.
I Own Bob’s Nut Kicker Funhouse, and No One Wants to Work Anymore
We offer employees (or Smash Testes Dummies as they’re known around here) a competitive salary of $2.50 an hour plus any tips!
That There’s Oil. Texas Tea. Economy Slime. Hot Rockolate.
Iced lava. Coal brew. There Was Blood, A Long Time Ago. Dinosaur Smoothie. Tyrannosaurus rocks. Triceratopped off.
Reasons I Give My Wife That Being a Desk Jockey Is Just like the Cowboy She’d Prefer
Like a lonesome cowboy with a leather-wrapped journal, I will compose many a silent email, detailing my woes on the Outlook trail.
History Textbooks Updated with Uncritical Race Theory
Original: Columbus routinely captured the people living there as slaves. Corrected: Columbus brought Western values to the New World.
The Sunnyside Senate Retirement Community Is Here for Your Aging Senator
They spent their golden years in the legislative branch. Why not let them spend their platinum years thinking they’re still there?