I am Unemployed and My Girlfriend is Starting to Notice
You're a 31-year-old seventh grader living with the love of your life, and you're so unemployed it hurts. These tricks will keep your partner at bay.
Tag: Illusions
What Am I Supposed to Do with a Ventriloquist Dummy That’s NOT Haunted?
After buying a creepy antique doll, I was extremely disappointed to find out that there is nothing supernatural lurking behind its dead eyes.
I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate
Bureaucrats will waste zero time before pointing fingers and disrespecting the men, women, and children I'm about to systematically mow down.
Who Will Win Big at the 2018 Oscars?
Popular wisdom has Gary Oldman and Daniel Day-Lewis fighting it out for best actor, but they're gonna have a hard time beating the deserving winner.
Millennials? Who are You People, Anyway?
What is it that makes your group so intractable, yet everybody wants to talk about you? Why is it so hard to figure out how old you people are?
Interview Notes from Trump’s Personal Biographer
If I push hard enough, will this pen go into my brain? Will the Secret Service stop me? There's no way I'm leaving alive; I've seen too much.
10 Signs That Make Me Think My Dad Took Me to Home Depot Instead of Disney World Like He Promised
I first became suspicious of my supposed 8th birthday trip to Disney after seeing tons of balding men and refrigerators, and no sign of Mickey Mouse.
How I Finally Pooped on the Bird That Pooped on Me
I'm a man who took more than half a month tracking down a bird with nothing but the shirt on his back and an $800 bird costume. A proud man.
Elf on the Shelf Captain’s Log
The kids seem to want a chemistry kit, an iPhone, and a Kylie Jenner lip-gloss contraption. Santa will be furious with their capitalistic greed.
How to Nail Your Next Job Interview Even Though the Return of Xwq, the Celestial Obliviator, is All You Can Think About
Project confident body language, even if your instinctive reaction to the Ashes cementing Xwq's control on your mind is to slouch and fidget.
9 Christmas Movies for the Whole Family (Updated to Reflect the Latest Hollywood Scandals)
Check out these classic movies to watch with your family this Christmas! (Unfortunately, recent Hollywood scandals have forced us to update this list.)
The Undeserved Reputation of the Hostile Philadelphia Eagles Fan
Here I stand, a proud Giants fan in Veterans Stadium prepared to be spit and spilled on at every turn, proclaiming that Eagles fans have gotten a bad rap.