My dear wife —
Wow, yesterday was apparently pretty wild! I woke up to your seven-legal-pads-long note this morning. Most of it revolved around that video you and the kids recorded after my root canal yesterday. I finally have had a chance to watch the recording, and I have a few thoughts, particularly about the revelation that I have a second family.
First off, I know the video was my idea. My root canal presented the perfect opportunity to hop on the wave of viral post-surgery videos. With the exception of the birth of our children (and our wedding), you know that the happiest day of my life was when our “family pyramid in Jerusalem FAIL!” video went viral. I have felt so much pressure to reach that internet high again that I resorted to the lowest of the low, the drugged-up dad video. What I did not factor in was the whole “in vino veritas” thing. It turns out that “in percocetus maximus disastrous” is also a thing.
There have been so many times throughout the years when I wanted to tell you about my second family. I would be about to tell you and then one of the kids (our kids) would start crying, one of my cell phones would ring (my multiple cell phones probably makes sense to you now), or the oven would beep to let us know that it was ready for “Friday Family (our family) Pizza Night.”
Judging by the video, the real shocker seemed to be when I told you just how close my second family lives to us. Crazy, I know! I actually wanted to keep the family (not our family) far away from this family (our family). That plan fell through when my son (not our son) got into soccer. As I’m sure you can appreciate, I wanted to coach both kids. Of course, that would have been impossible if they were in different states. By moving them closer to us, I was able to coach both sons on one travel team! The good news—I think—is that my daughter (not your daughter) is playing field hockey instead of softball. This means that you won’t have to interact with my other family at those games. As I mentioned, soccer is a bit trickier.
I know this will take some time for you to process. I think you will find that I acted honorably given the complicated circumstances. If anything, I committed a sin of omission, but let’s not forget that Thanksgiving where you ducked me when I said “I have something to tell you” and you talked to your mother for hours instead.
This may seem like a wild idea, but I do think we should post this video. Your reaction is so over-the-top that people might think we staged it. However, the debate over whether or not it was staged will only help our shares. If I don’t hear from you in the next hour or so, I will take your silence as agreement that it's okay to post on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram. I will be sure to keep you updated on all the social metrics. I still care about you, and the kids (our kids), and our social media numbers.
Not that you have reached out to ask, but my tooth feels fine.