Monday, October 10th 2:00 PM: Here ye, hear ye! I am John Henry Clark the Fourth and I shall henceforth be your new neighbour. I doth proclaim that if you want to bring me cookies to make me feel welcome that would be cool, but if you are bringing me cookies in hopes I will invite you in, please spare us both. Tis nothing personal, I get weird in forced social situations.
Tuesday, October 11th 5:42 AM: Here ye, hear ye! Thank ye for respecting my privacy. A lot of people think because I make announcements that I am naturally extraverted but 'tis not the case. I come from a long line of town criers, 'tis a noble tradition I intend to pass on to my children as my father did for me, even though I could just as easily say all this to that carrier pigeon X, formerly known as Twitter.
Tuesday, October 11th 11:09 AM: Here ye, hear ye! I am going to the village emporium to buy some ingredients for Taco Tuesday. Vivaldi thoroughly enjoys a themed dinner.
Tuesday, October 11th 3:40 PM: Here ye, hear ye! Vivaldi, 'tis time to bath! Please do not make this harder than it has to be!
Tuesday, October 11th 9:17 PM: Here ye, hear ye! I am taking you for a walk, Vivaldi, and you must do poopies!
Wednesday, October 12th 6:04 AM: Here ye, hear ye! Vivaldi is my dog, not my constipated ageing father if anyone was unsure!
Wednesday, October 12th 3:55 PM: Here ye, hear ye! To Debra, the woman who lives next door, you are not a farmer just because you’ve grown two heirloom tomatoes in your garden. Farmers are humble workers who tend to their livestock tirelessly, whereas you drive your new Tesla around the neighbourhood to show off. We get it, Debra: you have money.
Wednesday, October 12th 5:03 PM: Here ye, hear ye! I am going back to the village emporium to buy some vegetables and fruits from the REAL farmers that tend to these crops! And yes, this is aimed at you, Debra!
Wednesday, October 12th 9:47 PM: Here ye, hear ye! Would the balding man next door please only drum during daylight hours, or rather, when I am not home? I can barely hear myself declare my Pop-Tart toasted! Learning the drum solo from “Free Bird” will not bring your wife back…. Have you considered channelling your inner angst in a quieter way, perhaps through the art of miming?
Thursday, October 13th 5:04 PM: Here ye, hear ye! Sarah across the street, I’ve heard tales of what happens to snitches; however, your friend Heather was lying when she said she did not “ding, dong, ditch” you earlier today. I know not of a “ding, dong, ditch” but I think it to be a hostile act. A betrayal on this level can only mean one thing… I doth proclaim you two officially frenemies. Therefore, a duel shall commence at nightfall on the cul de sac.
Friday, October 14th 9:00 AM: Here ye, hear ye! I know it was you, Heather, who rang my doorbell and then ran away when I arrived at the door. You leave me no choice. I challenge you to a duel and this time, you shall not avoid it! Meet me on the cul de sac at nightfall. This relentless “ding, dong, ditch” shall come to an end!
Friday, October 14th 3:31 PM: Here ye, hear ye! I have been told that it is highly inappropriate to challenge a child to a duel. To this I say: She started it!
Saturday, October 15th 6:03 AM: Here ye, hear ye! Lisa, I found your kitty cat. However, you should not have let him out of your sight to begin with. Plus, I know you feed him that Fancy Feast garbage. Seeing as you are an unfit pet owner, he shall now seek refuge in my home and henceforth be referred to as John Henry Clark the Fifth. Although he may be a feline, he shall be my next of kin and continue on the Clark family legacy.
Sunday, October 16th 2:00 PM: Here ye, hear ye! For those of you who have filed a noise complaint against me, I declare ye all fools! Someone doth speak the truth and it sure as hell won’t be Heather or Fake Farmer Debra! I would say no offence, but I hope doth does take offence!
Sunday, October 16th 8:30 PM: Here ye, hear ye! This shall be my last announcement, for Vivaldi, John Henry Clark the Fifth, and I aren’t really vibing with this place. We shall move to a new suburban haven that appreciates our observational and informational quips. However, if you liked what you heard you can now follow me on X formerly known as Twitter, which I’ve just learned how to use! What a wonderful platform. Peace out, losers!