Donald Trump is the President of the United States of America. Have more horrific words ever been uttered?
A Cheeto-dusted former D-list reality TV host is currently securing his picks for the Cabinet of Doom. An organization made up of only the most insidious, most sadistic, super villains who have ever spawned forth from the gates of hell. And in a plotline fit for Bizarro world, Trump is now preaching an isolationist agenda for a country that was literally built by immigrants.
Average, everyday Americans such as myself have found ourselves in the midst of a defining point in American history. The world is watching us, waiting. Not for the response of the American government, but for the response of the American people.
But can we respond tomorrow, maybe? I’m kind of tired tonight. I worked till like 6pm today and the season finale of Ladies of London is on, and shit is about to hit the fan.
I had to make myself another martini, because when you’re watching a show about housewives of the British elite, it helps to be as wasted as they are. This week, in a twist no one saw coming, Caroline Stanbury, the undisputed queen of the English scene, is leaving London and moving to Dubai! Dubai of all places!? And of course, just before leaving, Caroline’s relationship with her BFF Sophia is getting rocky.
It’s quite hard to focus on the revolution on an empty stomach. I find that this would be one of the most limiting factors in regards to an American uprising.
That’s because Sophia heard from Juliet Angus that it’s possible the reason Caroline is leaving London may be due to financial issues. If you didn’t know, losing your money is the ultimate faux pas among the English old money. A death sentence would be preferable, as at least you would retain some dignity.
Anyways, Sophia blabbed the rumor to Marissa but you can’t blame Sophia because she’s stressed since she’s is in the midst of an ugly divorce from none other than Caroline Stanbury’s brother!
You cannot write this shit. This is real life.
Meanwhile in real life America, people are finally facing the notion of our once great country being governed by fascists. Every morning, we awake to a fresh hell. In the media, the Neo-Axis of Evil utilizes smokescreen misdirection to blind the people to the corruption that plays out on CNN nightly, like a Greek tragedy.
Except this tragic comedy airs for four years straight, with no intermission. We must realize, now is not the time for idle indifference. This is the time for the people to rise up and refuse to be governed according to the interests of the few. This is the time for action.
Though before I personally act, I’d really love a club sandwich.
I’ve been craving one since I woke up. Like really craving one. The way those former coal towns crave factory jobs; I crave this club sandwich. See, it’s been kind of a rough Sunday. I woke up at 11am with a wicked crick in my neck. Then when I went to the kitchen, I was completely out of Nutella! So, I didn’t even eat my typical breakfast of Nutella and peanut butter on toast. I could have just had peanut butter like some peasant but in my opinion if you’re not caking a thick layer of Nutella on your toast, why even bother?
So instead, I had some coffee and watched funny YouTube videos until about 1pm and that’s when I really started getting hungry. It’s quite hard to focus on the revolution on an empty stomach. Everyone knows that. In fact, I find that this would be one of the most limiting factors in regards to an American uprising.
You think a marching hoard of revolting Americans are going to have the mental fortitude to not pop into a Taco Bell for a Doritos Locos Taco Supreme Combo? Civil strife or not, people have to eat, and for the low price of a Taco Bell 5 Buck Combo Box, honestly they’d be crazy not to.
If the revolution does take off, while I agree with everything it stands for, I only get 12 vacation days a year.
By the way, if the fight for basic human rights is going to involve taking time off work, that might be a bit of an issue for me. I recently got promoted, and aside from the occasional weekend work I’ve got a pretty sweet gig going. The majority of my work day is spent doing nothing, which is my personal definition of the American dream.
In fact, I’m about one promotion away from turning my 8 hours of slacking off into a six-figure career. Can you imagine? That’s why it’s called the American Dream, because it sounds too good to be true. This must be why people risk their lives by immigrating illegally to America. In hopes of one day achieving an overpaid position, for an under-utilized role.
And just to put it out there, if the revolution does take off, while I agree with everything it stands for, I only get 12 vacation days a year and my girlfriend and I have already booked a trip to Iceland this summer. I guess I could devote some time after work, but typically, after my 10:45 to 5 shift, I really enjoy heading home for some couch time with my lady. So just for transparency I’m probably not going to be available for any revolting on the weekdays.
And now that I think about it, we really enjoy going out and exploring new restaurants on the weekend, especially with the recent advent of legalized marijuana. You should see how much Korean Style Hot Pot I can consume after smoking down a gram of Purple Berry Haze. It’s staggering.
On second thought, count me out on weekends too.
Not to sound apathetic, but I’m already dealing with another serious crisis of conscience. During the season finale of Ladies of London, Juliet was being a total bitch and sticking her nose where it didn’t belong but to be honest, I found myself agreeing with her points on loyalty. Ugh, I know, right? So, I’m pretty conflicted already. And, at this point, I feel that adding any other undue stress might push me over the edge.
I still support the cause and everything, but maybe I can just donate some money or something?
Does the revolution have a Kickstarter?