FROM: The United States Department of the Interior
SUBJECT: An Unfortunate Announcement Regarding Citizenship Downsizing
Hello, and firstly, thank you all for everything you have done. You have made this nation the best in the world! You’ve asked not what your country could do for you, but what you could do for your country. You’ve walked softly and carried a big stick. The only thing you’ve feared is fear itself. Freedom has blossomed! Profits have soared! We could not have done it without you.
That being said, we’ve hit hard times. It has affected all of us: gas prices, rising food prices, a floundering stock market. In light of these developments, we have had to make some tough decisions.
It is with a heavy heart that we are announcing that some Americans will be laid off as Citizens. If you are receiving this email, you have been selected. We are terribly sorry to do this, especially at a time when so many of us are struggling, but after much consideration, we have determined this is the only way forward.
If you are receiving this email please immediately proceed to your nearest international airport and buy a one-way ticket to any non-domestic location. Don’t take too long deciding where, time is of the essence. Remember, you can always switch countries later, as long as the country you are switching to is not the USA.
From time to time organizations have to make staffing adjustments to account for economic conditions. Within the last few decades, there have been many large-scale layoffs across many industries. Telecommunications, automotive, banking, and now, citizenry.
You may feel this isn’t right, that it is unconstitutional. Regrettably, the entirety of the United States Supreme Court are among those who have been laid off, so we will never know whether or not you are correct.
To help you in this unexpected transition period the Department of the Interior is prepared to offer you a generous severance package, including:
- The chance to cast an absentee ballot in five (5) total elections (Federal, State, and Local)
- Unlimited Jury Duty assignments via Zoom (Federal only)
- One (1) small 4”x 6” American Flag (while supplies last)
- One (1) sparkler in Red, White or Blue (while supplies last)
These layoffs will help us balance the budget and lessen the strains of public funding. Do you know how expensive the library is on our end? Books are quite expensive and then on top of that, they’re free to check out.
“But if you don’t return them on time you get a fine!” That $2 fine you never bothered paying that got forgiven 10 years later isn’t going to keep the lights on or the air conditioning running. Forget the books, do you know how expensive it is to keep the library as cold as an AMC Megaplex?
The amount of money that will be saved on maintaining infrastructure alone may be enough to save this country. By laying off 25% of the populace, roads are used 25% less, reducing maintenance costs by 25%. The benefit of your sacrifice is quantifiable!
In an effort to geographically lessen the government’s financial burdens, remaining Citizens are encouraged to relocate from the following states as they will no longer receive any Government support; monetarily or physically, and will heretofore be known as “The Forgotten Lands”:
- Minnesota
- Wisconsin
- Michigan
- Illinois
As to seeking a new Citizenship elsewhere, we encourage everyone to seek letters of recommendation from their direct civic superior to aid in the process in your country of choice. If you are a regular person we suggest asking your Mayor, your Governor, your Senators, or your President. The President has also been laid off but we expect their CV to speak for itself in the absence of a letter of recommendation.
The following countries have agreed to streamline the repatriation process for all former American Citizens:
- Moldova
Should the economic tides turn and the United States begins accepting applications for Citizenship, all who are affected by these layoffs are encouraged to reapply! You are what made this Great Nation a great nation, after all! In the reapplication process, preferential status and special consideration for former Citizens will not be possible.
In accordance with the Equal Rights Amendment, Title IX, and the Civil Rights Act of 1964 selections were made with complete randomization. As with every major policy change, there will be kinks that need to be worked out. For example, by complete chance, upwards of 95% of the Department of the Interior’s staff was selected. Yesterday I was just a sophomore at Georgetown interning in the Communications Department and now I’m sending this email! There will be exciting changes in all of our lives.
The Department of the Interior and the entire United States Federal Government thank you for your understanding.
—Jamie Bleecker
Acting President of the United States of America