“We will be back, and we will be drunk.”
— Andy Cohen, upon hearing that CNN banned on-air drinking during its 2023 New Year’s Eve festivities
This year, CNN banned anchors from imbibing on New Year’s Eve. Fortunately for longtime host Andy Cohen, the network didn’t say anything about getting sloshed during other holiday celebrations.
Valentine’s Day
“Gooooooood morning, New York City! And Happy Valentine’s Day, lovebirds. Here’s a little poem I wrote: Roses are blue, violets are red, Ramona Singer’s outfit has left me absolutely dead. My heart has LITERALLY stopped thumpin’ and pumpin'– Hold on a sec, the producers are telling me that I can’t say the words, ‘thumpin’ and pumpin’ live on air. ‘You can use pump as a noun but not a verb, Andy’… COWARDS! Anyway, here’s to love. Summer love… Courtney Love… fifteen-love…”
Labor Day
“Here’s what they won’t tell you about Karl Marx: He’s a daddy! Look at that delicious beard, those sultry eyes, that ironclad commitment to freeing the proletariat… I’d like to own the product of his labor. And that communist manly chest-o… talk about seizing the means of reproduction. So everybody raise a glass—this drink goes out to the workers of the world! Unite!”
Passover
“And another thing: that Pharoah guy doesn’t know the half of it. We’re sending him frogs, we’re sending him boils, we’re sending him blood… we’re sending him to The Smith for brunch on a Sunday! Now that’s a real plague. Don’t do it, ladies and gents! Just stay home and munch on your matzo… Oh, and that reminds me– I have a secret about Anderson Cooper. Everybody lean in close. He believes marriage is between one man and one Manischewitz. I’ll tell you what makes this night different from all other nights: FOUR FREE GLASSES OF RED WINE!”
Thanksgiving
“Now, in my house, our tradition is to skip the turkey and instead tuck into a big, delicious, bag of booger sugar together… and before you ask—yes, it’s legal in my zip code! Which I’m pretty sure is the same defense used by Theresa Giudice. ANYWAY, this year, I’m feeling extra grateful, thankful, and, well, just plain full of the love of my life… the fire of my loins… a little man named Don Julio. Ever heard of him? And as long as we’re doing confessions—shoutout to Usher!—I better come clean about my side boo, Jose Cuervo.”
Tax Day
“Look, I’m gonna say it: Don Lemon hasn’t paid taxes since Bethenny Frankel had a real nose… 1996, at the latest!”
Christmas
“Tonight, I want to pour one out to the world’s most famous Jew, born on this very night two thousand and [unintelligible] years ago: the man brave enough to rock a tunic and a beard LONG before they were doin’ it in Brooklyn… though, might I say, no man should be wearing open-toed shoes, no matter how holy the tootsies. At the very least, get a pedicure. I mean, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ—you’re the OG nepo-baby, you can afford it. Anyway, here’s to a sloppy night, tipsy night! Amen!”
Mother’s Day
“You know what, I’ll say it, since nobody else seems to have the balls—or in honor of today, the BOOBS: My mom is a MILF. Total MILF. You look great, Evelyn. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You know what, can we bring my mom out here? Come on out here, mom, and shake what Nana Irene gave you!”
School Picture Day
“NEW GAME ALERT: You’ve heard of shot for shot. But today, I’m going shot for shot for shot. That’s right, I’m going to take a shot of tequila every time one of these precious little kindergarteners gets their picture taken… and then another shot every time I fire off an iconic Andy Cohen zinger. For example—okay, we have Ruby over here. And I have to be honest: mixing a Peppa Pig shirt and a Daniel Tiger headband… fortune favors the bold, but this is giving less Versace, more hibachi… less fashion… more trash, hon. Shot, shot, shot. And Oliver? The camera adds ten pounds! Tilt your head up, you’re six years old and that second chin isn’t makin’ you look any younger. That’ll be one photo, plus one insult… I think that’s what, like, eight shots of tequila?”
Winter Solstice
*starts removing clothes*
Summer Solstice
*starts removing clothes*
Autumnal Equinox
*starts removing clothes, including a cute scarf from Everlane*
Yom Kippur
“I’d like to apologize for the comments I’ve made on air this past year. It wasn’t right to put you all through my drunken behavior, especially on such special occasions of love and togetherness…
PSYCH! Atone down for what, bitches!”