Congratulations Patriot, You’ve Been Selected to Get Launched into Space
For safety, we’re tying you right to the tip of the rocket—far from the hot hot thrusters. You’ll also get plenty of SPF to protect you.
Comedy Writing
I Consider This Jury My Friends
I will not condemn this man to death until this jury promises to come see my band this weekend.
Op-Ed: Should Op-Ed Writers Be Allowed to Commit Crimes?
Do opinion writers share the same responsibility to obey the law as the rest of the world?
Approaching Being Buried Alive with a Business Mindset
When a tortuous, claustrophobic death rears its ugly head, winners HUSTLE HARDER.
Demands from the Newly Organized Union of Hero Dogs
Subsidies of children in wells: Kids aren’t placing themselves in imminent danger far from the attention of their parents/guardians anymore.
Mom, I Would Like to Watch the Cartoon Movie about Death Again
30 minutes in, dad dug his guitar out of the closet and then openly wept when he realized he had forgotten the chords to even the simplest song.
Trying to Network at an Orgy
Can you introduce me to any shadowy figures who run the government here?
Backstories for the Stuffed Animals in Simulated Baseball Audience
Googly-eyed octopus behind catcher’s mound: Campaign manager for a commemorative Beanie Baby with a nascent political streak.
Ways to Reform the Agitated Bear in the Center of Town
We will ensure the bear sits through an hour of sensitivity training that contradicts the lifetime of violent impulses it has acquired.
“Sopranos” Episodes I Saw in a Fever Dream
"Have You Heard About This," Season 2: Paulie’s foray into the world of standup comedy compromises his ability to earn for the business.
What I Do With My Bees is None of This Co-Op Board’s Business
Not many people know this, but my bees once stung the hell out of Mario Cuomo. That’s right, this horde of insects is a part of New York history.
What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You
Taurus: The Seneca Park Zoo believes they don’t need a sign telling people not to swim in the polar bear enclosure. You will prove them wrong.