Friends, it's a tale as old as time. The charismatic terrorist who killed your son has been apprehended, but there's still one problem—you need to surgically replace your face with his to thwart a large-scale terrorist attack. Can it get any worse?

I'm here to tell you, it can.

The statistics on the FBI's experimental face replacement surgery are clear: the face you left behind is not safe. There is a 100% chance it will be taken out of its high-tech storage module at the agency's medical facility and attached to the skull of your sworn enemy. And once that happens, he'll be coming for you faster than a 1997 Scarab SCS Super Competition Series Powerboat tearing through a marina. I guarantee it.

What does any of this have to do with engaging in hand-to-hand combat atop a speeding boat, you say? Why am I selling informational DVDs on such a specific scenario, you wonder? Why I am screaming, you ask?

Because it's inevitable, you idiot. Once you've put on his face, the propellers are in motion—in two days time you'll be in a high-octane boat chase with the man who shot your beautiful little boy.

The question is, do you want to make it out alive?

If you follow my Art of Speedboat Combat system, you'll not only survive, you'll get your face back. I'd bet my life savings on it, if I hadn't already spent it on producing this exciting, limited-time opportunity for you.

And the shipping is free!

Included in this four-disc set are informative segments by speedboat combat experts, such as:

  • When to Leap onto your Enemy's Vessel: Anticipating the Explosion of Your Speedboat
  • Improvisational Boat Aerobatics: How to Use an Exploding Coastguard Patrol Boat as a Ramp
  • Even the Docks Are Explosive: How to Avoid Them at All Costs
  • Explosions: We Can't Stress Enough That You'll Need to Prepare for at Least Four of Them
  • From Harpoons to Anchors: Weaponizing the Crap on Your Boat

And for a limited time only, your set will also include the following special features:

  • The Psychological Ramifications of Killing the Guy Who's Wearing Your Face
  • Shoe Selection: Good Grip Means No Slip
  • You're All Wet! A Blooper Reel

When it comes to grappling with your son's murderer atop two majestic water steeds careening toward a fate unknown, there are two options: you gain the upper hand using the tried and true techniques speedboat combat experts swear by, or you get thrown into a bay by the guy who hijacked your face.

The choice is clear: buy my DVDs.