Graeme Carey | Points in Case

Graeme Carey is a writer from Hamilton, Ontario. His work has appeared in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, and here.

Comedy Writing

How many grams of protein do you consume each day? What do you mean you don’t know? Don’t you count your macros, bro?

I mean, who wouldn’t want to be in charge of spreading a bit of autumnal spirit throughout the organization?

“Oh, I do a little of this, a little of that. Can I be more specific? Yes, but for the sake of my dignity, I’d rather not.”

Clapping is the least we can do to show our appreciation that we didn’t end up pancaked against the side of a mountain.

Let’s see. What else can we dredge up from the darkest recesses of your mind to totally fuck up your night?

Sleep hacks to help you wake up feeling rested, refreshed, and less dreadful about the eternal damnation of your soul.

Do anteaters regret doing whatever the hell it is they do all day? I wanna say eat ants, but I'm not positive.

Say, what do you reckon they were thinking when they built such an itty-bitty town in the first place?

At first, I thought something had happened to you, like that you’d fallen off the peak of a mountain in search of the most serene place to meditate.

Haven't done much birdwatching lately. Birdfeeder full of bird shit. Ex-wife and Rick going strong.

Don’t worry, I’ve left them with enough food to last several weeks, which in this case is a bottle cap of water and a couple of croutons.

I've been accused of only looking out for the owners, which is patently false. The products—I mean players!—are my absolute top priority