What I Learned on My Mushroom Retreat for Entrepreneurs
The revelations about the human condition you experience after consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms make it much easier to come up with future Fortune 500 companies.
Comedy Writing
I’ve Committed the Perfect Murder!
The final, most difficult step of my plan: don't act like a total creepy freak in front of other people all the time ever again.
I’m a Republican Building a Coalition with Democrats, and You Should Stop Worrying About Me Spending So Much Time with Your Wife
It’s been proven time and time again that this country thrives when we reach across the aisle, civilly shake hands, and give our wives their space.
The Unwritten Rules of Baseball
The phone is for calling the bullpen, not pranking the loser ump by telling him his wife is in labor.
I, Zippy the Jetpack Boy, Have Been Hired to Fix Your Subway System!
No one knows more about getting from point A to point B with lethal efficiency than Zippy the Jetpack Boy -- that this is bound to rub off on the job.
The Final Transmission of the Mars Rover
I am a robot whose contribution to popular culture burned bright but was brief. No one cares about Mars Rover anymore, because it's not 2003.
Nothing Gets Me Hotter Than Explaining the Academy Awards to You, Babe
You can bet that Alfonso Cuaron is winning Best Director for Roma. It’s as plain as the socks that are still on my feet, babe.
Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me
@fuckjerry even went back to my high school, played "Riff" in "West Side Story," and used all my ad libs just to twist the knife.
I Had My Face Torn Off By a Bear and Lived to Write This Op-Ed About Vaccination
I know I certainly didn't fight my way through twelve miles of wilderness with no face to allow big government to turn all of our kids autistic.
Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris”
The internet is abuzz ranking the four hunky and hot Hollywood "Chrises" from favorite to least favorite. My rankings are more comprehensive.
Christmas Gifts for the “Creative” in Your Life
For the Improviser: If you’re looking to give a gift that lasts, offer them $450 to never improvise again.
Donald Trump’s Criterion Top 10
"The Royal Tenenbaums" is a movie about people who have so much money but also no money, which I promise you, folks, I promise you that's possible.