Fountain Pen, Medium Nib, Four Stars

Upon receiving this package, I set to examining the new pen and discovered one of the included ink cartridges had burst and left irregular and tenebrous stains upon the cardboard. The stains formed shapes in a geometry not of man, and they seemed to move of their own accord.

Since receipt of the pen, I have developed painful headaches that have left me little time to use it. Still, it has been acceptable for my purposes. The ink cartridges were simple to use and capacious enough for recording all the various items I desperately needed from Amazon. The nib was unbent and allowed plenty of ink to flow through it, but was prone to spattering ink if I moved suddenly, such as when I am subject to startlement.

Blackout Curtains, Black, Three Stars

The bright light of the sun and the gentle swaying motion of trees outside my window exert too much stimulus upon me and provoke terrible headaches. The pain is such that I sometimes imagine a larval insect grows within my skull. These heavy curtains do a yeoman's work of protecting me from the intrusions of nature, so that my delicate physiology may be spared further upset. The outside world holds nothing for me, I desire only my dark work and ever more Amazon packages.

Though these draperies shelter me adequately, I must quibble. The rings atop them are made of metal and scrape at the slightest movement along the rod. Substituting bone or horn would allow a soothing osseous medley to accompany the opening or drawing of the curtains.

Velvet Draperies, Black, Four Stars

I purchased these draperies to alter the character of my living quarters, as I found the brightness and rigidity of the walls to be ill-suited to my taste and nervous agitation. These cloths have capably muted the excitability of my rooms, and have soothed me to such a degree that my headaches have become milder and less frequent.

Now, the darkness of my chambers allows me to sink into a trance so complete that I lose all connection with the world and myself, so that there is only Prime shipping, easy returns, and darkness.

In the interest of remaining fair handed, I should mention these draperies are not as long as the listing indicated and do not pool on the floor to the degree I expected.

Neti Pot, Seafoam Green, Three Stars

At the advice of a friend, I purchased this pot to help suppress my headaches, as the discomfort had begun to distract me while I await yet more of Amazon's sundries to arrive.

When I fill the pot with salt water, the innumerable horrors that lurk in the ocean come to the forefront of my mind. So many beasts have been catalogued in this age of science, yet still far more of the depths remain unexplored. As the warm salinous water fills my sinus cavities I feel I can see dimly, as through a dark shroud, the incomprehensible form of a being that fills me with a primal fear. Something so large, that when I grasp the scale of it I feel as a mote of dust carried unnoticed on the slightest breath of wind. So large that it could not be delivered in two days.

The pot appears to be well made, and I find the color to be pleasant. Yet the smooth ceramic handle is hard to hold when wet.

Sun Lamp for Seasonal Affective Disorder, One Star

I returned this lamp to Amazon the day I received it. With luck it will sleep eternally in the depths of their warehouses.

Only a fiend could have engineered a hellish lamp such as this. Purported to improve moods, the contraption is suited only to searing delicate ocular nerves and, perhaps with heavy shading, signaling distant ships at sea.

Necronomicon, by Abdul Alhazred, Three Stars

Delivery of the book was timely and I received it in good condition. I do think the book was over-packaged; it arrived inside a box covered in a bubbled wrapping, which was contained in a larger box that seethed as though it contained a beating heart.

Though this grimoire languishes in my pile of unread books, its mere presence has ameliorated my headaches. When I so much as touch the cover I hear faraway whispers promising me power, comfort, and everlasting streaming video if only I read aloud the foul and tempting secrets contained within.