When I opened my globe store in 1996, all I wanted to do was provide high-quality globes at a low cost to the members of my community. My dream was for the name GloboTech LLC to become synonymous with a small local business. However, I have found this is not the case and I need to dispel any rumors that we are a nefarious corporate conglomerate centered on international domination.

Maybe I’m naive, but I assumed any globe company would have a version of the word “globe” in the name. Unfortunately after watching any film or television show made in the last hundred years, I’ve found this is not the case.

It’s fair to ask why we also have the word “tech” in our name. Sure, the basics of standard globe technology haven’t changed in the last five hundred years, but isn’t all business aspirational? Why can’t a globe-maker dream?

With that said, I’d like to address some specific rumors and allegations surrounding GloboTechLLC.

We do not, nor have we ever had, a vague research and development facility about to be taken over by our rogue founder for nefarious purposes. We don’t even offer dental insurance.

I have never taken contracts from the Department of Defense, the CIA, FEMA, or the government of Burkina Faso. Our biggest buyer last year was Betty Hansen. You know Betty. She lives on Cherry Blossom Boulevard and bought globes for each of her twenty-one grandchildren.

I personally have no opinion on animal cloning, nor do I consider our business to be “in cahoots with Monsanto and their Rockafeller ilk” (according to the many threatening handwritten letters I’ve received).

We own a single storefront down by the old Toyota dealership, so I don’t know where people are getting the idea that we have various black sites around the country. I recently repainted the storeroom a very welcoming teal.

Listen, I can assure you there is nothing secretive about what GloboTech LCC does. Our motto is on our website: We Sell Globes.

Now sure, we’re a growing company and rapid expansion could cause concerns. When we began in 1996 it was just myself, my wife Patricia, and our son Kurt Jr. Now we’ve ballooned to me, Patricia, Kurt Jr. and my good friend and neighbor Chet Gore. I suppose I could see how we’re constantly mistaken for a multinational company with thousands of employees across the, no pun intended, globe.

All of the inquiries are becoming too much to handle. I never imagined I’d be inundated with emails from job-seekers asking to be “Vice President of International Development.” I do not know what that is. We mainly sell to the Cleveland Metro Area.

We don’t even have a CEO. I guess you could say I’m “the boss,” but what I really consider myself is a father, an Episcopalian, and a fan of John Grishman novels.

Listen, every man has a right to do as he pleases. If you folks want to keep trying to “infiltrate our operations,” be my guest. Good luck though; I only made one copy of the door key and the back window is a real stinker to wedge open.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions about GloboTech LLC. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a very exciting business meeting lined up. I’m meeting a very interesting man from the State Department in a parking garage to talk about a partnership.