My fellow Americans, what an eventful time it has been for our country. These past few days have been ones of confusion, chaos, and anger. Many things have become clear—things that, in retrospect, were maybe kind of obvious. As they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Still, a lot of you have asked us how we couldn’t have known. Believe me, we’ll be asking ourselves that question for the rest of our lives, but to be fair, no one expects that their boss is purposefully enacting more and more outrageous assaults on the American public in hopes of realizing their kink of being torn apart by an angry crowd.
Did we wonder, privately, if Mitch was taking things too far? Did we puzzle at the purpose of his flagrant dismantling of Senate norms, his clear disdain for democracy, his obvious lies, his open protection of a hostile foreign power’s puppet dictator? Of course we did! You can’t look at Mitch publicly insisting that we can’t make it easier for more Americans to vote because then Democrats will win and not wonder what’s going on there.
We just didn’t think it was because he was hoping to rile up an angry mob to snatch him from his office and literally tear him to shreds.
Sure, now that we know from the manifesto he left behind that being destroyed at the hands of furious citizens was something he found sexually appealing, certain prior incidents stand out. Like the time he asked Marco Rubio for help because he thought his “computer mail was broken,” and Marco found he had recently searched for “sexy outraged citizens tear male politician to shreds video.”
And, yes, it’s true that when John Boehner quit as Speaker of the House, he sent several of us a note reading, “Mitch is purposefully running the party into the ground because he finds the idea of furious Americans doing fatal violence upon him exciting in an indecent manner.” But that note was covered in tear stains and hard to read, so we were sure we had just misread it.
Now you might ask, “Well, if you didn’t agree with all the extreme things Senator McConnell was doing, why did you go along with it? Why was it up to John McCain to prevent Mitch from being able to grin manically while announcing that a large percentage of the nation would be losing its healthcare?” First of all, part of that is the House’s fault, because non-wealthy people dying in misery is Paul Ryan’s actual kink.
As for us in the Senate, let us assure the public that when we sacrificed their civil rights and peace of mind, it was solely because we had to protect our most precious assets: our wealth.
It’s no secret that Mitch was quite the power broker. With his untimely departure from the Senate, many of those deals are now kaput, so please remember that we are also victims here.
Like poor Susan Collins. Mitch promised Susan that in return for betraying her life-long values by voting to confirm Brett Kavanaugh, she could have an extra hour of swim time in the Koch Brothers’ giant Scrooge McDuck-style money pool. So she went along with it, unaware that the confirmation was just part of Mitch’s long game in satisfying his kink.
Can you imagine how Susan feels, realizing that a man she thought respected her was just using her for his own sexual gratification? Of course not! No one has ever suffered as Susan has!
We do, however, have some sympathy for Mitch. That is one hard kink to fulfill. Someone who’s into bondage can just buy some rope at the hardware store. Someone who’s into orgies can just jet off to Bohemian Grove. Heck, Ted Cruz’s thing is humiliation, and all he has to do is try to interact with a human or log onto Twitter! Mitch had to plot and scheme and backstab for years, and we’re sure he never expected he would have to take it as far as he did. Can you imagine how he must have felt when he stopped a popular sitting president from appointing a Supreme Court Justice and then called the Democrats obstructionists and nothing happened?
He must have been thrilled earlier this week when the doors to his office burst open. He must have thought that finally—after countless petty cruelties and outright treason—decades of wet dreams were about to come to fruition.
Instead, half a dozen FBI agents, none of them very sexy, barged into the room and arrested him. Then they ransacked his office, which was when they found, hidden under his terrarium of mealworms, the manifesto marked “to be read only after my glorious, sexy death,” which outlined his decades of treachery in hopes of being able to go out like Mussolini, because he found it very hot. Now he has to explain that to Elaine during prison visiting hours. Not fun!
The truth is that good people on all sides have suffered here, and we hope that our extremely gerrymandered constituents remember that, really, this is their fault—not ours—for letting Mitch McConnell get away with so much crap for so long.