Monologue from the Rat You Made Eye Contact With
I was born here and I’ll die here and so will 500 of my brothers and sisters. You moved to New York City to go to NYU and major in bisexuality.
Tag: New York
A Real New Yorker’s Guide to the Real New York, Really
First, don’t ever call it the Big Apple. That’s embarrassing. The locals call it Nork-Nork. As in, “Welcome to Nork-Nork, dumb-dumb!"
I Am a Shark and We Just Bought Cool Drones to Monitor You
Now sharks will watch humans eat and breed in real-time. I could easily watch a whole week of this in slickly packaged, one-hour chunks.
This Aesthetic Subway Ad Is Here to Tell You That You Are Going Bald as Shit
Not "thinning out." Not "George Costanza-ing." Nope. You're going full-on, sunscreen on your scalp, brain-practically-exposed BALD.
We, the Birds of NYC, Demand an End to the Birdhousing Crisis
Every year we live in fear of predatory rent hikes by turkey vulture-owned management companies.
I’m the New York City Marathon, and We Need to Set Some Boundaries
This is progressing faster than I can manage—remember, I’m a marathon, not a sprint.
The Six Complaints of the Ghost of President Chester A. Arthur
1. Every portrait makes me look like a Relief Pitcher for the 1974 Chicago White Sox.
Signs That the Person You’re Talking to Might Be from New York
Congratulations on your new baby! You know what else is new? New York City, where I work and live.
A Critic Reviews New York City’s Film Performances
"Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan" provides New York City with little to do than look menacing and overly grimy.
Activities for an Ambiguously Spring or Winter Day
- Skip. Just, skip. This is the best activity on this list. - It’s freezing again--take that jacket back out of the closet.
Please Excuse the Smell on This Train Platform, I’m Making a Bit of a Soup
Nonna’s soup needs to be simmered in a big-bottomed cauldron for 14 days and 14 nights. Do you know how hard it is to find a premium cauldron in New York?
My Apartment Is Infested with Cockroaches—Here’s Why It’s My Neighbors’ Fault
My extensive preventative measures haven't stopped them from sneaking into my bed while I’m trying to eat my cheese and crackers in peace.