It’s Me, Your Healing Crystal, May I Have a Word?
When you cupped me in your hands and held me up to the light, I thought, “Okay, geologist!” I was excited to go home with you.
Tag: Open Letters
Nelson Family McRibmas Newsletter
Just goes to show you what 520 calories and 24 grams of protein per sandwich can do for your kids.
The Only Thanksgiving Topic We Can’t Discuss: The Cornucopia Grapes
Nothing good will come from yelling about whether there’s a glue spot on the plastic pear that indicates where a neighboring bunch of muscats should be adhered.
An Open Letter to Yo Momma: I’m Sorry
Looking back, I can see it was I, not yo momma, who is so dumb that I stood on a chair to raise my IQ.
An Open Letter to the Receipt I Just Got at CVS That Is Inexplicably the Length of a Goddamn Jump Rope
Would you like your receipt via text, email, or Gordian Knot full of surveys and "Extrabucks" offers you can’t throw away fast enough?
Despite a Shockingly Low Number of Applicants, You Somehow Did Not Get This Residency
If there was ever a year for you to slip through and get this relatively prestigious residency, it would have been this one.
If the IRS Wrote Thank You Notes
We wanted to let you know how deeply we were moved by your generous mandatory contribution. 30% of your base income… It was just what we wanted!
To the Person Who Gave My Toddler a Noisy Toy for Her Birthday
Thanks to you and the Magical Musical Mat™, every minute of my life is now a beeping, squawking, nonstop honking nightmare.
Your B_____ University Decision Letter
It is with great regret that we inform you that you are by far the worst applicant our university has ever seen.
It’s Me, Rudolph, and I’d Love to Stop Reliving My Childhood Trauma Every Christmas
They say time heals all wounds, but that’s only for people who aren’t known by a nickname based on their biggest insecurity.
Ask a Work Frenemy
I mean, your boyfriend just seems like one of those guys who would step out on you, know what I mean?
We, the Birds of NYC, Demand an End to the Birdhousing Crisis
Every year we live in fear of predatory rent hikes by turkey vulture-owned management companies.