“What’s up, hustlers! I see you leaving that cup of water in the corner of your desk untouched. That’s no way to keep up a hydration machination. So we’re gonna start small together. Grab your glass and take a sip in 3… 2… 1. Nice! You’ll be at a gallon in no time!”

“Your journey to drinking less alcohol is about progress, not perfection. Why don’t you trade that G&T for a ginger ale tonight? Skip the IPA, you H-O-E! Let’s stop blacking out and start tuning in.”

“Okay Peloton community, we’re about to slim down that inbox! Take a deep inhale and move those unread messages straight to the trashcan. And unsubscribe from the Anthropologie alerts! You couldn’t afford those florals then, and you can’t afford ‘em now. Now let’s refresh and repeat.”

“Today’s class is all about getting your freak on… in the kitchen! This fire playlist of club jams will guide you from six nights a week of takeout Pad Thai to master chef in just 30 minutes. We’ll start with a quick warm-up—and no, I’m not talking about the microwave, fatty! We’re making a meal, not Hot Pockets!”

“So you want to spend less time on Instagram? Get your booty off that app! If Britney can get free from her conservatorship, you can get free from influencers in wide-brimmed hats.”

“Take a look at the leaderboard on your right. That’s gonna be your roadmap for the day. Every time you read one single page of a book, you’ll see your rank rise. I believe in you—this year’s the year you finish Anna Karenina!”

“Remember, we’re about purpose, not punishment. Don’t beat yourself up if you forget to call your grandma today and leave her waiting on the other end of the phone, lonely and forgotten. Just get back to your purpose tomorrow.”

“The only thing worse than a weak bicep is a weak cybersecurity infrastructure! Let’s get you set up with multi-factor authentication and change those passwords. Flex that digital footprint, Peloton!”

“Oh, you don’t recycle, you disgusting, amoral earth-killer? It’s time to get your green card, boo. Grab that paper, plastic, cardboard, and aluminum…and don’t forget to separate it out!”

“You’ve heard ‘a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.’ But what about ‘a minute carrying your lotion, a lifetime in the ocean?’ Reach for that reusable tote this time, champ.”

“No excuses. No apologies. It’s time to take that pile of laundry off of your bed and fold it, instead of pushing it to the side. You’ll thank me later.”

“You know, at the end of the day, you don’t need to keep any of your resolutions. Your body is a sacred temple, divine in its simple, powerful existence. You are worthy of rest and pleasure. And nobody’s perfect! For example, as a size 00 retired Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, even I sometimes treat myself to one square of dark chocolate before ten PM. We deserve it, Peloton!”