Welcome to My Sex Dungeon, Where Anything Up To and Including a Handjob Goes
If there’s a place to get a cheaper, more unpleasant handjob, I’ve probably put them out of business.
Comedy Writing
Thomas Edison’s Birthday Really Snuck Up on Me This Year
Getting electrocuted in the Menlo Park mall on the big man’s birthday is on my bucket list, but 2022 is not going to be the year I cross that one off.
Banning Me from Game Night Is Nothing Short of an Orwellian Nightmare
I’ve made a few enemies along the way, as evidenced by the group chat telling me not to bring my “musty ass around game night anymore.”
Spider-Man Movies Ranked by the Severity of Pain I Experienced Passing a Kidney Stone During the Screening
Widely considered the apex of the Spider-Man films, the first sequel is also significant because its release coincided with the passing of my second kidney stone.
Geppetto’s Other Marionettes That Didn’t Come to Life
Blonde Pinocchio was a blatantly transparent attempt for Geppetto to cash in on the notoriety of his most famous creation.
Christmas Songs Detailing the Sordid Saga of Santa’s Elfskin Boots
(Hark! The Herald Angels Sing) Hush! Santa will hear our plotting, He’s gone mad, brain is rotting. We should organize a coup, Before he makes new boots from you.
Sesame Street’s First Cinephile Muppet Is an Attack on Our Nation’s Core Values
After learning that Big Bird’s top four films on Letterboxd were American, Jeremy forced Big Bird to undergo something called “Bergman Boot Camp.”
This Moving Half-Time Speech Failed to Inspire a High School Football Team Just Because They Saw Their Coach Kick a Dog Through the Goalpost Before the Game
First off, I didn’t know anybody was watching. And never in a million years would I have guessed that the penalty would be the loss of one hundred points for our team.
After Yet Another Workplace Accident, NASA Is Banning the Following Basketball Moves
Projections show that if the current situation is allowed to continue without intervention, the vibes at NASA could reach weird levels.
It’s Time to Punish Freddy Krueger by Taking Away His Hat
It’s ironic that Freddy Krueger’s initials are FK because the guy should be Fucking Kancelled.
90 Years Later, Universal’s “Frankenstein” Remains a Poignant Tale of How Fucked Up It Would Be If There Was a Guy Whose Head Was Perfectly Flat on Top
Even today, when I see his head, my mind goes wild with possibilities, envisioning all the dirty dishes that I could set down upon it.
If the Pandemic Gave Workers More Leverage, Why Did My Boss Scream at Me for Printing Out Hundreds of Pictures of Mewtwo?
Much like the novel Coronavirus, there is something deeply disturbing about Mewtwo.