If Shakespeare knew that more than 400 years after his death, people would still be enjoying his work, would he be happy? Or would he be mad because we still haven’t invented flying cars?

— Sarah Totton

I remember the very last thing my Uncle Bert ever said to me: “Sarah,” he said, “that little tuft of hair between the ears of that hyena is just begging to be noogied.”

— Sarah Totton

My advice to anyone who needs to get their appendix removed is to hire a licensed editor.

— Sarah Totton

It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.

— Sarah Totton

“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.

— Sarah Totton

The most important thing Brad learned at veterinary clown college was never to vaccinate the balloon animals.

— Sarah Totton