“In three decades, the COP talks have yet to produce any agreement to phase out, or even phase down fossil fuels, the leading cause of climate change.”
—Heated Newsletter
Welcome Esteemed Guests,
This year marks the 31st anniversary of the adoption of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change. It also marks the 31st anniversary of the release of Fern Gully, the greatest movie about deforestation of all time that also features a cast of sexy little fairies and one bat played by Robin Williams. That’s why this year at COP28, in the oil-rich United Arab Emirates, we’ve decided it’d be more fun to focus on the latter.
Therefore, ahead of the largest annual international climate conference that exists, we’ve refrained from asking participating nations to do anything as obvious or practical as commit to “transitioning away from fossil fuels” or “make Net Zero goals.” Instead, we’ve asked them to show up with the filthiest, horniest fanfic about an environmentalist allegory that’s ever existed. Seriously, we want this to be absolutely can’t-look-your-mother-in-the-eyes-again foul.
Here are some highlights to look forward to:
We’ll kick off the conference with a roundtable on the Agriculture of the Future. A script submitted by the Argentinian delegation about the unbelievable fertile chemistry between leading characters Chrysta, Zak, and Christian Slater’s Pip. Don’t think too much about the complexity of hosting a climate conference in an oil state. Think instead about something even more complex: the searing sexual chemistry that oscillates amongst all three corners of that love triangle overseen by Robin William’s quirky character Batty, who is, you guessed it, a big burly dom. He’s also a bat.
Make sure to check out the young people’s pavilion on Day 3! Many are calling for us to listen to youth voices, the voices of the generation that will be bearing the brunt of the effects of climate changes. But none of those nerds have the deep baritone of Fern Gully’s main antagonist Hexxus, voiced by friggin Tim Curry.
Did we mention Pennywise is in this thing? Talk about a voice that makes toes curl. Let’s shift gears to that. Seems easier.
Day 7 is about circling back to last year’s commitment to a Loss and Damage Fund—a plan for wealthy countries to provide financial assistance to nations most vulnerable to and impacted by the effects of climate change. That was a great plan that we talked a big game about continuing.
But this year the COP28 Presidency is more interested in zeroing in on a new, Zak-related goal: to get physically and emotionally damaged by that teeny weeny smokin’ hot cartoon logger. Are we going to contain global warming to below 1.5 degrees Celsius? No. But to be fair, that would be impossible with Zak’s big strong biceps heating up the place. Also with all the oil.
Speaking of, Vanuatu, looking at you to really step up here. Have you contributed to sea-levels rising in any way, shape, or form? No. But have you contributed to the rest of us getting wet here at this conference? Also no. That excerpt you sent over about Cheech and Chong’s characters, the Beetle Boys, kissing was just weird. Do better.
To wrap this up, we’re looking forward to another great conference. One in which, we vibe out and leave considering how we could be levying sanctions against high-polluting countries for another time. Instead, we’re going to spend thirteen heart-pounding days deeply considering the fact that Robin Williams rapped in this film. And that’s fine, because the probability that we’ll solve climate change in an oil state is about as realistic as a magical rainforest fairy being named Chrysta.
We’re very much looking forward to next year when we invite you all to view our adults-only stage adaptation of The Day Before Tomorrow. We booked Dennis Quaid for this one folks. Hopefully, that’ll distract from the fact we’re probably gonna have it in Riyadh.
Enjoy ya little freaks!
Sincerely,
The COP28 Planning Commission