Rustichella D’Abruzzo

You’re the kind of depressed, bitter introvert who insists on eating only the finest artisanal pastas. As for your wife, she would never understand why you’d pay $14 for a box of dried noodles. You could try to explain the concept of bronze die-cut milling and how it creates a unique texture for holding sauce better, but there’s no need. Susan left you. The Philippe Starck colander you bought for $500 was the breaking point. At least now you can enjoy a pleasant dinner alone, without having to pretend like Susan is more interesting than the intricate handcrafted design of your cestini.

De Cecco

Remember when Claire and Richard Burke invited you and Susan over for spaghetti and meatballs, and the noodles were overcooked? And how insulted they were when you spit it out on your plate? If Claire had used De Cecco—which any fool with a pasta pot can cook perfectly al dente—Susan might still be with you. The Burkes haven’t invited you back since. You suspect they still see Susan, along with her overly demonstrative new boyfriend Warren. God how you hate huggy men. Limp noodles, just like the Burkes’ shitty pasta.

Rana Filled Pastas

These delicious raviolis are as close as you can get to handmade. They won’t disappoint you the way people do. Like your best friend Brian, the prominent divorce attorney who chose to represent Susan instead of you. And who frequently shows up to your apartment unannounced to personally hand you legal documents—right when you’re sitting down to dinner. That’s where the hefty, sausage-filled pastas can be especially handy. If you happen to have a slingshot, they make great projectiles. And Rana is available in family-size packs, not that you’ll ever have a family. Because if there’s anything more annoying than people, it’s kids.

Barilla (with Gluten)

Throughout your five-year marriage, you always had to avoid eating gluten because it made you gassy. And no matter what Susan says, gluten-free pasta doesn’t taste the same. But now you can eat real pasta again. Loaded with glorious gluten, original Barilla gives you more bang for your buck. Let ‘er rip!

Trader Joe’s Organic Whole Wheat Penne Rigate Pasta

Hard to believe now, but Susan actually once cared for you. Remember when she made you penne marinara with Trader Joe’s whole wheat pasta, and you flung your plate against the dining room wall? Hate to break it to you, but Susan’s right—the stuff’s surprisingly good and it’s better for you. Not that eating healthier matters now. Because aside from that Sirman SINFONIA 2 pasta machine you just bought for $2,000, what do you have to live for?

Walmart Great Value Spaghetti

You’re feeling nauseous, but you’re not sure if it’s the pork in your ragout or a sickening sense of regret. You realize how much you hate dining alone, so you hatch a plan to win Susan back. Yeah, you’re gonna suck it up, drive to Walmart, and buy the house brand value pasta. It’s the only way to convince her that you’re no longer an “insufferable pasta snob.” But if you think you’re going to eat cheap, mushy garbage for anyone, you’re not just ill. You’re delirious.