On behalf of the entire Lucy Fur Company, I would like to thank the reporters and protesters who have highlighted our company’s dumping of toxic waste into local rivers, lakes, and residents’ backyard wells, as their articles, petitions, and off-key chanting have helped achieve our ultimate goal: raising awareness of the dangers of improper disposal of hazardous materials.

We know that in an age of widespread environmental destruction, only the most egregious examples will break into the news cycle, but together we put in the work to rise above the chatter and get our message out there. Congratulations to us all on a job well done!

We would also like to express particular gratitude to the sacrifices made by brave local residents who have developed cancers and sprouted new limbs in furtherance of our awareness-raising efforts, and we hope you all fully appreciate the sacrifices we at Lucy Fur have made as well, such as paying unusually high premiums for our employees’ health insurance (until we discontinued offering employee health insurance to raise awareness of out-of-control medical costs).

Of course, one might say that since we knew of the sacrifices we would have to make in advance and the local residents did not, Lucy Fur’s sacrifices were more meaningful, but we make no such assertions—indeed, we would like to remind prosecutors that we humbly deny any causal link between our service project and any medical crises that have emerged or may emerge in the coming months, and that any memos to the contrary leaked online were merely satirical works created thanks to Lucy Fur’s continued support of the arts.

While we certainly have much to celebrate already, for an awareness campaign to be truly successful, it must result in some sort of action. As such, we call on regulators and the same relentless investigators who have diligently surfaced details of our own multi-decade campaign to raise awareness (Lucy Fur is nothing if not forward-thinking and persevering) to crack down on the improper hazardous waste disposal practices of our competitors. That their dumping practices are less flagrant than our own only proves their sinister commitment to working in the shadows, but we trust that now we have drawn everything into the light, you will make them pay, starting with covering the costs of litigating the misguided civil suits filed against us.

Remember: if our competitors are not fined out of existence, then your friends and neighbors died for nothing.

I would like to take this opportunity to announce one further act of service: after listening carefully to the many appeals for us to pay for the environmental cleanup efforts, Lucy Fur has selflessly decided to set an example by declining to do so. Too often are low-income individuals and low-profit businesses shamed by their inability to contribute financially to good causes, but we at Lucy Fur stand with them. We are shameless so that others may shed their shame as well.

On a related note, I would like to clarify for the record that our recent slashing of employee wages is not, as has been erroneously reported, an effort to boost executive bonuses at the expense of our employees. That is merely an unintended consequence. Rather, it is part of that same commitment to helping low-net-worth individuals. We are cutting wages so that their plight will be more widely experienced. Lucy Fur firmly believes one can’t understand the less fortunate unless one walks a mile to the discount liquor store in their unfashionable, toxic-water-stained shoes (or, of course, if one becomes the largest employer of low-income individuals in the nation), and our country will never get anywhere if we do not make every effort to understand one another.

Anyway, I would like to thank you all again for helping raise awareness of Lucy Fur’s commitment to raising awareness, and I would like to remind you that Lucy Fur firmly believes retaliation against whistle-blowers and the reporters and regulators who facilitate them is also a serious issue that deserves more awareness.