You shouldn’t have dug up those amulets. You knew the crystals were all that stood between humans and ancient malevolence, and you unearthed them anyways. Now the demon you've unleashed is writing mom-targeted content all over the internet. As a new mom myself, I find inspirational buzzwords and insincere solidarity irresistible. But there’s something off about the tone.

Here's an excerpt from the article “Badass Warrior Mamas Unite!”

Mamas, you are STRONG. You are POWERFUL. You are a woman who the algorithm has flagged as having one or more human children. That makes you FIERCE. You are fierce like the carpet viper whose hemotoxins prevent the clotting of blood, causing victims to bleed to death over two to three days in regions where no proper medical facilities exist.

A badass mama protects her child from threats! Release your inner MAMA BEAR. You are the largest feral North American predator. Your belly will be full of pilates-toned gristle and blond hair after you’ve mauled Cassie from your mom group. It will take eleven experts to identify her remains as human, and she will never question your decision to co-sleep again.

Then I noticed this product description for the Mama Tribe Scoop Neck Tank Top.

Mamas, you are part of a TRIBE. In the Mama Tribe, you will be STRONGER and SHARPER and more TERRIFIED than you ever thought possible. It’s a hunter-gatherer tribe. You will be forced to hunt each other, and I will gather the souls. In the Mama Tribe, there will be complex social hierarchies. There will be zero tolerance for dissent.

This advertisement popped up in my feed.

Mamas, let's talk about EMPOWERMENT. Empowerment is having the strength and self-confidence to improve your life. You are just a feeble woman, no more capable than the infant at your breast. Empowerment is something you must buy! Our Bluetooth-enabled Kegel device will empower you to FIND YOUR VOICE and SPEAK YOUR TRUTH! It's true, mamas, that once you find your voice, I may snatch it and turn your tongue to sand. That is what FILLS MY CUP.

There’s no limit to the number of personal essays I’ll read about the challenges of motherhood, but something is different about this one.

I know a thing or two about being a mama. I’ve birthed thousands of children, each as ancient as the sun. Many days the overwhelming pressure to be perfect nearly crushes me. As mamas, we’re constantly performing Sisyphean tasks, never able to find the satisfaction of completion. There’s always more dishes to be washed, homework to be helped with, not to mention the never-ending pressure to “get your body back.” Once a century, when my teeth dissolve into an acrid slime, my gaping jaw opens into a black void, so dark and so dense no light or hope can escape. My monstrous children then crawl forth on their gnarled limbs to terrorize humanity. And society just expects me to somehow bounce back from that instantaneously.

I came across this on social media.

Mamas, you are not alone. We will cry together. We will SHARE. We will be VULNERABLE. Let's post photos of our wrinkled torsos with captions like, “I am a tiger, and these are my stripes!” and “this is what a real woman looks like!” I will then leave comments with text from the Necronomicon, which will cause your blood to run hot as lava until your skin welts and peels back with oozing blisters. This is a safe space that promises COMMUNITY and INTENTION and AGONY.

What’s up with this advertisement for a Mommy & Me fitness method that came in my email?

Subject: Strong women lift each other up, but I will drag you straight down to hell.

Mamas, are you ready to get #STRONGASAMOTHER? Come by for a complimentary session! You’ll be asked some personal questions about your body, your sex life, and your greatest fears. Then you’ll do a fitness assessment. I want to see how you lift your baby, how fast you can run, how loud you scream. Of course you can bring your baby! This community is BY MAMAS, FOR MAMAS. Your baby will be assessed too—the thickness of his skin, the purity of his soul. Call or email for more information. Strength for motherhood. Strength for ETERNITY.

Please, on behalf of all mothers, close the portal this thing came out of so we can get back to jokes about messy hair and caffeine. The fate of our targeted content depends on it.