Inspiring Adages Reimagined by a 36-Year-Old Writer-Slash-Server
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Because you will never, and I mean never, have central air conditioning.
Tag: Arts
What I Imagine Being a Writer Is Like, Based on Other Creative Fields
Thanks to the PTA and a few passionate teachers, an after-school grammar club is formed so kids like me have a safe place to diagram sentences.
Despite a Shockingly Low Number of Applicants, You Somehow Did Not Get This Residency
If there was ever a year for you to slip through and get this relatively prestigious residency, it would have been this one.
Art Projects on the Walls of My Child’s Daycare Which Have Made Me Suspect the Teachers May Be Experiencing Bouts of Existential Despair
Babies' forearm prints all turned into leeches crawling around a fetid pond.
We Are the Other Paintings on Display Near “Starry Night” and We Are Tired of Being Ignored
Am I not a multi-million dollar painting too? I’m tired of listening to tour guides only talk about Starry Night.
The Recent Painting Vandalisms Are a Cheap Imitation of My Performance at My Daughter’s School Art Fair
I knew blanketing a third-grade class’s first art exhibition with cans of pasta would be controversial, but that’s why I did it
Are Your Child’s Creepy Drawings Mediocre? Try Our “Kid in a Scary Movie” Art Class!
We will cover all the fundamentals, from color and composition to bloodstain patterns and anatomy.
I’m the Artist Who Leaves Beer Cans on Hiking Trails
I tell stories of humanity. Some about a guy getting drunk in the woods. Others about two guys getting drunk in the woods.
An Art Museum Presents: A Retrospective of Work Made by Your Aunt Who’s into Mysticism
Created over a career spanning the past four decades, but really only the past four years after she came back from that trip to Sedona.
So I Hear You Know Photoshop
Would you mind making me a logo for my new insect-dessert business? I was going to hire someone, but they wanted to charge me a few hundred dollars.
Immersive Artist Experiences Other than Van Gogh
Monet: You’re admiring the haystacks painted on the walls when suddenly the room fills with pastel-tinted water.
I Am the Improbable Fireball in Every Hollywood Action Movie, and I Demand a Lifetime Achievement Award
It's time to recognize my artistry, distinguished contributions to world cinema, and unparalleled ability to blow shit up without dismembering anyone.