- A Standard Table Lamp (STYLING TIP: Try different lampshade colors for optimal ambiance.)
- Decorative Tea Candles, Assorted
- Several Loose Flashlights
- One Omni-Seasonal Jack-O-Lantern
- Your Dad’s Clip-On Book Light He Insists on Using at 3 AM to Read a Book About WWII in the Hotel Room Your Entire Family Is Sharing While on Vacation
- The Glow of a Pregnant Woman
- A Roving Red Dot from the Laser Pointer Your Neighbor Keeps Shining Into Your Window to Fuck with You (STYLING TIP: Amplify this vexing atmosphere by getting more asshole neighbors.)
- The Fleeting, Hopeful Beacon of a Distant Lighthouse
- A Soccer Ball Nightlight You’ve Had Since You Were Nine and Claim Is “Kitschy” When in Reality You Only Keep to Stave Off Your Deep-Seated, Adult-Onset, Paralyzing Fear of the Dark
- 180,000-200,000 Glow-in-the-Dark Star Stickers (STYLING TIP: Put them fucking everywhere.)
- The Depressing, Blueish Luminescence Of Your iPhone In An Otherwise Dark Room
- Twelve HappyLight Therapy Lamps (NOTE: These create a unique aura and will have your guests saying “Are you doing okay?” and “These cannot be an effective alternative to antidepressants.”)
- A Bunch of Those Cool Luminescent Jellyfish You Always See Pictures of on Instagram (STYLING TIP: Dead and scattered.)
- The Smoldering Glow of the Muted, Indifferent Light at the End of the Tunnel, Looming Ever Closer, No Matter How Hard You Rage Against It
- Ikea’s NÄVLINGE Floor Lamp ($26.99) (NOTE: If you’re on a budget, try the TÅGARP Floor Lamp instead, for just $10.99.)
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