- Open the menu, point at anything randomly, and just say, “I’ll have this, please and thank you.”
- Pretend you knew you just ordered a side of green beans.
- Use your phone light but forget to turn it off, and for the remainder of the meal make it look like there’s a small sun in your pants.
- Ask what the specials are, then ask what all the regular items are.
- Drive your spouse insane by having them read everything, even though the server just did exactly that.
- Memorize the entire menu instead.
- Carry around a huge old-timey magnifying glass so it looks like you’re Sherlock Holmes trying to solve a crime at Chili’s.
- Pretend like you weren’t scanning the graffiti on the table that you thought was a QR code.
- Attach the menu to your selfie stick to see if you can read it from six feet away.
- Make the “pinch to zoom” motion with your fingers on the menu, thinking it’ll do the same thing.
- Take a picture of the drink list and zoom in on it, then screenshot that and zoom in again.
- When the check comes, do your best to randomly add some numbers that you hope to god is a reasonable tip.
- Tell everyone that you always sign the kids menu and that there was no way you thought that was the bill.
- Squint and strain your eyes so much you pop a blood vessel.
- Blame the popped blood vessel.
- Run to the bathroom to stop the bleeding, use the better lighting in the bathroom to read the menu you brought in with you.
- Slide the menu under a stall and ask the person there to read it for you.
- Use a lighter and accidentally set the menu on fire.
- When the fire sprinklers go off, blame the wet menus.
- Have dinner at home.
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