A Letter to My Past Self, Currently Caught in a Time Travel Paradox
The person who left the initial voicemail saying, “Come to the lab immediately?” That’s Dave 7.
Tag: Open Letters
Your School District’s Superintendent Introduces His Top Ten New Substitute Teachers
Our Tallest 2nd Grader: I mean, have you seen this kid? He can even spell “tyrannosaur.” Anyway, he’ll be teaching AP Bio.
I, The Scarecrow from Oz, Would like to Return My Brain in Exchange for Canceling My Student Loan Debt
They say your education is the one thing nobody can take away from you, but I implore you to do just that.
An Open Letter to Adam McKay About My Own Script, a Heavy-Handed Allegory for the Iran-Contra Affair
There’s something else rapidly becoming the defining issue of our time: the 1985 Iran-Contra affair. And goddamn, I’ve written a movie about it.
An Open Letter to Whoever Keeps Hacking My Grandma’s Facebook
Is this just a money thing? Because I have the $5 birthday checks to prove this is a misguided venture.
Would You Like to Make a Charitable Donation to Our Payroll Fund?
Here in Human Resources, we are consistently e-applauding each and every one of our hard-working, self-sacrificing rockstars.
Please Take Notice: If You Ordered an IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast between March 14, 2016 and August 4, 2017, You May Be Entitled to Compensation
If you ate all that, we’re astonished you are alive to read this notice. Your arteries must be as hard as bricks.
An Honestly Bad Job Application
My degree in the Art History of Bookbinding has proved utterly useless, even in the bookbinding industry.
Postcards from the Pit in Your Stomach
I usually stay in the center of your tummy but unfortunately today I’m writing to you from the deepest depths of what could be considered your "gut."
Submission Guidelines for Convolution Lit
Submissions open at 3 AM on nights when our editor-in-chief looks at the night sky and feels a particular shade of melancholy.
Cease-and-Desist Letters from Hasbro to Santa
As for the incalculable diminished commercial value you have caused us in previous years, we are willing to settle for a one-time $8 billion settlement.
Mrs. Claus Serves Santa Divorce Papers
At 1,559 years old, I’m not getting any younger. And a woman has to do what she can to make it through this cold, ice-hard world.