“I was sitting in the bleachers eating a Fenway Frank. Mookie Betts had just come up to bat. I jumped to my feet to sing ‘Sweet Caroline,’ when all of a sudden it hit me: we are all going to die in a cataclysmic fight over resources once global warming turns all our food to ash, so who gives a fuck whether we win or lose?”
–Adam Cramer, Red Sox fan
“It was bottom of the 5th, two outs, bases loaded. Valera came up to the plate and suddenly it’s three balls, no strikes. And then he pops an easy one to center field. He totally choked! That’s when it hit me: my wife doesn’t love me anymore. She’s fucking her yoga instructor. I started choking up.”
–Charlie Clarke, Yankees fan
“I had gotten up out of my seat for the like the 10th time to let this loud, drunken asshole squeeze past me. He couldn’t stop drinking and peeing. Suddenly, I heard the crack of a bat and it hit me: Roe V. Wade is going to be overturned. I was so depressed I slammed down three Bud Lights, but it didn’t help.”
–Jen Roberts, Cubs fan
“It was the 7th inning stretch. We were singing ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game’ when it hit me: My husband never takes me out anymore. He won’t even take the damn dog out for a walk.”
–Pat Hadler, Rangers fan
“It was one of those long games that never seems to end. I was getting antsy. I wanted to leave because I was tired and it was almost midnight, but the Twins couldn’t put it away. In those quiet, interminable moments when not much is happening on the field, a man is left with his own thoughts. Then the crowd exploded, and it hit me: the goddamned game is going into extra innings, and I’m going to have to endure another four torturous years of Trump.”
–Jay Kaskel, Twins fan
“Austin Romine had just done this, like, amazing sacrifice bunt that advanced Tyler Wade to second base. I was cheering for Romine as he headed back to the dugout and, bam, it hit me: I hate my job. I’m tired of being the only one who works nights and weekends. I’m done playing the martyr.”
–Scott Rosenblit, Blue Jays fan
“I saw a wave coming around the stadium, and it hit me: The coral reefs are all dying. The ocean’s infested with flesh-eating amoebas. Then everyone jumped up all excited and threw their hands in the air, but I just sat there. The only thing I was feeling was waves of rage.”
–Dan Roshon, Marlins fan
“Duggar stole 3rd base and the crowd was going nuts! The ump called him out, but he was safe by a mile! He was robbed! Then it totally hit me: By the time I’m old enough for college, it’ll be even more unaffordable. My entire future is being stolen.”
–Timothy Bright, Giants fan
“I’ve been an Indians fan all my life. They lose every year, but I keep showing up with my little rubber tomahawk and my Chief Wahoo socks. I was starting to get my hopes up for the new season, but then Bauer threw that pitch into the dirt and ended a six-game winning streak. Suddenly, it hit me: Our country is full of racists. We’ll never learn to live together. The Tribe will win the World Series before that happens. Go Tribe! Woo-woo-woo-woo!!”
–Lisa Wiant, Indians fan