May 10th: The other day when I was getting changed in the phone booth, I thought to myself “What's it all for?” I mean, sure I could knock Lex Luthor into the sun, but who's there to cheer me up when he comes back with a perfect tan? Lois has been distant ever since we found out my sperm would kill her if we tried to conceive. She keeps making snide comments about how Batman wouldn't have this problem. She's probably right.
Sometimes he'll send me these texts, like, “The pool is the perfect temperature for a swim. Come over.” I think he's hitting on me. If any superhero has to hit on me, I'm glad it's Batman. He's funny, grounded, and knows how they get those little hot dogs inside those little crescent rolls so perfectly.
May 29th: It's lonely being Superman, but it's even worse being Clark Kent. I mean, before I fell in love with Lois, I used to date as much as the next guy. Mostly though, my dates just wanted to know how cool Superman was, and if I'd ever seen his genitals. Sometimes, I didn't want to talk about Superman's genitals. Sometimes, I just wanted to talk about my own.
The only person who was good to me was Narupa Singh. She liked that I was old fashioned, polite, and knew how to take a punch.
July 13th: Truth be told, over last year’s holiday break, I barely wore pants.
August 4th: Sometimes, I really hate the Daily Planet. I have no idea what anyone really does there. Lois is the only other reporter apart from me, so most of the paper is just advertisements for erotic massage parlors and encouragements to sign up for the Columbia House Record Club.
August 8th: I wonder if I'm cut out to be a superhero. I mean, I'm unable to get melanoma, I can fly, and my breath can freeze anything into cool shapes; and yet I live in a city that is eternally in debt largely due to my own actions. What does it say about my abilities as a crime fighter when Smallville is named the poorest city in the galaxy? No one likes to talk about it, but most of the citizens don't really have teeth. It really makes me feel ashamed of myself when Jimmy Olsen has to use Kodak cameras because if he uses an expensive one, someone will try to steal it and sell it for dentures.
September 1st: I saw Batman and the Question holding hands in the Justice League Watchtower. Even in space, my friends keep me out of the loop. I heard about this website called meetup.com. Maybe I can meet some decent folks there. It worked for my neighbor Laura. She found a great group of people who just want to sing and worship their invisible snake god, Karayati. I need friends like that.
November 18th: Sometimes Lois chides me about being from the sticks. Despite this, I guess I'm lucky that she gets me as much as anyone could get an alien from a destroyed planet raised by swamp people. I want to tell her more about how Smallville shaped me, but finding a starting point is hard. Should I tell her that our town's first mayor was a goat blown in by a dust bowl? The settlers of Smallville ate him after his time in office, figuring he was full of consumable economic knowledge.
I wonder if you can get economic knowledge into little crescent rolls.