I’m still not sure what all the fuss is about. The ride does exactly what it was intended to do: go up a steep incline, do a scary descending drop, begin a monstrous loop, and once it’s completely upside down, get stuck for a little over an hour.
Everyone keeps crying out that the ride is malfunctioning once the coaster is hanging perilously upside down. It’s an intense ride. So intense that they don’t even notice that the red, billboard-sized LED 75-minute countdown timer begins its countdown. They act like I don’t even notice what’s happening. Of course I notice what’s happening, I’m the one who designed it. That’s why I never look concerned or nervous about it, even when all eighteen riders are screaming for help, which coincidentally is the how I came up with the name of this roller coaster, “Screaming for Help.”
I know a few guests have lost their wallets, necklaces, and phones, and others have vomited or completely blacked out, but this is a theme park. Those things happen.
Yes, we’ve had a handful of less-than-stellar reviews about persistent headaches, permanent vertigo, and missing out on other rides due to the length of this one. And yet, people are always waiting in line for it. Of course that’s because each ride takes almost an hour and a half.
But let’s do some math: Our park is open from 10:00 AM-10:00 PM every day, so that’s twelve hours of riding, which means if we’re lucky, we can run this thing nine times a day. Our coaster seats eighteen people, so that’s 162 different people getting a ride each day. Those are 100% first-time riders since no one has ever ridden it twice. No other ride can make bold claims like that.
Also, look at all the extra jobs this ride has created. We now have several teams of emergency workers and clean-up crews on standby because of all the excitement my coaster creates. It’s pretty safe to say that this roller coaster is changing people’s lives.
“Screaming for Help” is the most important ride at this theme park because it is solely responsible for more press than we have ever received in history. This kind of free advertising is unparalleled—every day there are at least five news stations interviewing the riders, or, if unconscious, their family members. Each morning when we open, there are crowds of people holding signs that describe this ride in perfect detail. Just today I saw signs that read: “Who wants to get stuck upside-down for 75 minutes?!” and “Is this some kind of sick joke?!”
Actually, write those down, we could use them in our latest ads.
This coaster also has an incredible possibility for increasing revenue. Once we add one of those squirt gun stations underneath it, the profits will go through the roof. Early tests have shown that patrons are willing to pay up to $5 for five minutes of squirting the riders while they’re stuck. $10 if they want to boost up to the “extra-cold-power-washer” setting.
When I first came up with this fun coaster concept, I didn’t get any positive feedback or support and everyone kept saying that it was a mistake. But did they tell my father that when he founded this park with his famous “Hidden Danger” ride? The world’s first loop-de-loop merry go round? No. Because he never had to deal with useless bureaucracy like shareholders and safety regulations.
You can’t shut this roller coaster down just like you can’t deny its popularity. Go ahead and ask any of the riders who just rode it. They should regain consciousness any minute now.