Berwyn, Pa.

Sports Riot, McSweeney's, Fence, The Hard Times, Electric Literature, The Iowa Review, Guernica, Slackjaw, Little Old Lady Comedy, The Offing, The Funny Times. Van certified.

Comedy Writing

Jokes

Sometimes I type my computer password incorrectly and hit Enter and my computer rejects it. But then sometimes I hit Enter again as if to say, “Please?”

— Jeff Bender,

—First name?
—Jeff.
—Surname?
—Sir Jeff.

— Jeff Bender,

People say they “summer” or even “winter” places, but never “fall.” “I fall in Delaware.” I think that means you live there.

— Jeff Bender,

I went to Davidson College. I was… I always forget the difference between Magna Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude. Anyway, I was neither.

— Jeff Bender,

People say I look the same as I did in high school. I was ugly in high school.

— Jeff Bender,

I started writing notes to self, but I gave up because I never wrote back.

— Jeff Bender,

Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.

— Jeff Bender,

I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”

— Jeff Bender,

This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”

— Jeff Bender,

I guess after eighteen years, I’m willing to consider accounting my “calling.”

— Jeff Bender,

It’s kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There’s “who,” of course. There’s “how.” Ah, maybe it’s just two.

— Jeff Bender,

Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?

— Jeff Bender,

I like eating at a diner. I like when the place is named after me.

— Jeff Bender,

The artist bio can go south really fast: painter, photographer, calligrapher, dentist.

— Jeff Bender,

My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”

— Jeff Bender,

Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”

— Jeff Bender,

I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren’t so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”

— Jeff Bender,

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He’s a priest.

— Jeff Bender,
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