What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette
I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.
Comedy Writing
Mood Lighting for Life’s Pivotal Moments
Faerie Lights: For when you’re watching "Garden State" with him for the first time.
I Know This Amazing Bar
Like all bars with inscrutable locations, it’s a speakeasy. A “secret” bar. But it’s a secret the way it’s “a secret” your aunt got a facelift in 2015.
I Know This Is Your Summer Hangout, but as Your Father I Think It Would Be Much Better If I Fired up the Grill
I’ve got everything lined up so this grilling experience won’t be sullied by past mistakes. Remember the infamous Frankless Fourth of July?
I’m an Hermés Sales Associate, and You Need to Get the Fuck Out
We are here to serve scorn and derision, and able to discern the net worth of patrons with a half-second, contemptful glance.
Will You Risk Your Life to Protect Our Company’s Cybersecurity?
Good. Don’t click the link. Now, a wild badger climbs through the break room window and makes a beeline for your unguarded computer.
I Was the Lemur Handler on “Zoboomafoo” and My NDA Just Expired
I didn’t go to Tisch so I could buy cocaine for a lemur. Plus, lemurs need three times as much snow to get going.
Can Anyone Give Me (and 17 Beavers) a Ride?
Btw can’t pay you, but will provide you with a new car air freshener. The beavers have a bit of an odor. Not bad, but definitely noticeable.
10 Ways My New Relationship Is Nothing Like the Ryan Lochte Gas Station Scandal of the 2016 Rio De Janeiro Olympics
I’ve never lied about being robbed at gunpoint to avoid admitting to pissing in some bushes outside of a western Rio de Janeiro gas station.
What I Imagine Happens in the Books I Tell People I’m Reading
Becoming by Michelle Obama - A brief history of the bureaucratic red tape Michelle had to jump through to change her last name from Robinson.
Can You Afford What’s Inside That Cool Retail Store?
Did you reach for a pair of jeans, but a security guard asserted, "Please don’t touch the art"? You can't afford it.