Anthropology: Dr. Ellis has been enjoying a fun summer of BBQs and backyard pool parties; she is definitely not worrying about grading papers or summoning a hoard of lizard monsters for Gork the Lizard King.
American Literature: Dr. Smith has been spending his summer cruising down the Mississippi in his houseboat while organizing his fall syllabus. A typical day for him begins at dawn when he slithers into the dark murky waters to gobble up early morning fishermen. Around lunch, he will sit in his custom fisherman skin club chair to read the New York Times “Book Review” section and occasionally regurgitate the odd bit of line and tackle. Life is good for the freshly tenured professor/newly appointed general of the Lizard King, Gork’s, growing lizard army.
Biochemistry: Dr. Finkleman has enjoyed the summer conducting experiments for her study on lizard cell mutations while fielding emails from concerned parents about why their students have returned home with such poor grades and webbed feet. “Long live Gork, the Lizard King” is all she will reply.
Sculpting 101: Dr. Brown has whiled away his summer using shredded copies of the Constitution to build a paper mache shrine to the Lizard King, Gork, who will rise from the campus swamp and build his lizard monster army that will be led by his general, Dr. Smith.
Introduction to Game Theory: Professor Plymouth has spent her summer fashioning a labyrinth large enough to consume the entirety of the mathematics wing. This maze will only be solvable by the lizard mind and is designed to trap incoming freshmen in the dark wet recesses of academia. She will also take some time off to visit her dad Gary. Who, funnily enough, lives in Gary, Indiana, and is a Level 6 Gecko Prince with a knack for hypnotizing college interns into joining his “think-tank.”
Health Science: Dr. Fillmore has been spending his summer plotting a scheme to introduce bio-engineered mosquitos en masse to the student body at freshman orientation in the fall. The mosquitos will be trained to deliver a lizard virus that will infect their brains, forcing them into line as the next generation of scaled monsters. He also plans on finally getting around to reading Becoming by Michelle Obama.
Intro to Tai Chi: Miss Violet will spend the summer hosting free “Tai Chi and Chai Tea” community meet-ups at her local library. During the chai tea portion of her class, she will attempt to lure her unsuspecting students down to the banks of the Mississippi River, where Gork, the Lizard King will be waiting with Dr. Smith and his hordes of lizard monsters. Blood will flow like… Well, the Mississippi River, and Miss Violet will drink all of the chai tea to herself.
Poetry 101: Mr. Heidenberg, a new instructor fresh out of grad school, has confirmed his suspicions that he is slowly transforming into a lizard man after receiving a nip on the shoulder from Dr. Smith during last term’s orientation. He has spent the summer eating bugs out of the school’s swimming pool filters and writing poetry prompts that are honestly a little contrived.
Film 201: Dr. Livermore has not yet been infected by the lizard virus and has been documenting the rise of Gork, the Lizard King, in 4k. He was planning on blowing this conspiracy wide open, but got too close and is now spending his final weeks of summer in Gork’s stomach along with the school’s provost, Dr. Pratik. “Another summer wasted away,” Dr. Livermore will think as he uses Dr. Pratiks corpse to block Gorks lizard enzymes from eating his flesh.