Step aside, Evel Knievel: you’ve just purchased a ticket to ride one of America’s many trains. Now, whether you need the cost-effective alternative to driving to work or simply want to feel the rush of touching Death’s cloaked face, it’s important to have your affairs in order before stepping one foot onto the platform. These are several, easy things you can do while still alive to help smooth the transition into death after riding one of America’s trains.
1. Cut through the dour mood with a well-placed joke.
The train can be a dark, moody place, as each passenger solemnly reflects upon mortality and their very near, impending death. This is a time for stoicism and grace under fire. Put the room at ease with a well-placed joke! When the train has derailed and is barreling through downtown Chicago, stand up and confidently quip: “Who’s driving this thing? Hitler?”
Your fearless wit will ensure everyone on board enters the afterlife with a great big smile on their face!
2. Pre-draft your “I left the money in the garage dry wall” texts.
Once the train jumps the tracks and goes over the bridge, you’re only going to have about two to three seconds before crashing into the cold, raging waters of the Ohio River. And if you survive the fall, you’ll be way too occupied with hypothermia and finding pockets of oxygen to text your shady business partners where their half of the money is. Eliminate this hassle with a little foresight and elbow grease: draft the expository text in advance of leaving the station!
Tell ‘em they can take an extra 10% if they get rid of the sex tape, too.
3. Don’t get on any ghost trains.
This is a very rookie mistake by most train victims. Sure, you’re caught up in the majestic grandeur of the moment: a long, translucent train with a welcoming skeleton in a conductor’s cap shouting “All Aboard!” You’re no longer tethered to your lifeless body, and you’re thinking, “Oh, what the hell?” Avoid the temptation!
Also, check the terms and conditions on your ticket. Your soul very well may be the property of Amtrak, so you need to stay put. Hell is full of people who rode a ghost train not knowing their soul was actually owned by Amtrak. You’ve been warned.
4. Emergency train personnel are trained in mercy killings.
The chaos and mass confusion following a train disaster can be quite unnerving, especially if you’ve been mortally injured. It could be another two hours before you have a chance to die in the ambulance on the way to the hospital!
Luckily, each emergency responder employed by the railroad is issued a sidearm and strict guidelines to ease the suffering of afflicted passengers. This is the best service deal available until the industry can ensure all quick, painless deaths on every train ride offered.
5. Donate your body to science.
By offering up your body for research, science may someday be able to explain why people who ride the train die and people who don’t… don’t.
6. Make sure your head has your name on it.
For once in your very short life, put yourself in someone else’s shoes. As if the coroner doesn’t have better things to do than match up all the heads with their bodies following another, tedious train disaster.