Yo! Welcome to New York, da greatest city in the world. If you’re gonna live here, ya gonna have to learn a few things. Ya wouldn’t want people to think you’re a tourist, wouldja? Exactly. Now listen up.

First, don’t ever call it the Big Apple. That’s embarrassing. The locals call it Nork-Nork. As in, “Welcome to Nork-Nork, dumb-dumb!”

And while you’re Norkin’ it in Nork-Nork you should eat at least one bagel per day. If you don’t, people will be mad. You might be thinkin’, “They can’t tell if I’ve eaten a bagel or not.” Oh, they can tell, buddy. They will know. You skip your daily bagel, you better watch yer butt is all I’m sayin’.

The subway is the fastest way to get around town. But no one calls it “the subway.” Here we call it da “twain,” short for “the Shania Twain.” There are two types of twains: the local and the express. But in New York we call ‘em the “local schmocal” and the “ex-presso bean.” Call ‘em anything else, and you might as well have a sign on your back that says “NEW IN TOWN.”

You need a taxi? Ok Mista Money Bags! To hail a Yellow Jeffrey—that’s what true New Yorkers call ‘em—ya gonna want to wave your little fingers and holler “Yooohooo, Jeffrey!” They absolutely won’t stop for you unless you do this. And don’t get in a YJ that doesn’t have its sign lit up. That’s not a taxi, that’s an art project from one of the NYU kids. If you get in, you have to pay their tuition. Rookie mistake!

There are a ton of cheap eats around the city. I don’t mean to brag or nothin’ but we’re pretty famous for our weenie-bo-beanies. That’s a hot dog in suburban-ese. To order one, walk up to any cart you find on the street corner and say, “Lemme get uhh–” That’s important. You gotta start every order with a “Lemme get uhh–.” And hold the “uhh” for so long that the guy gets real impatient. The weenie-bo-beanies taste better when they’re served by a real irritable guy. Once you see smoke comin’ out his ears, tell him you want two weenie-bo-beanies all the way. If he asks what “all the way” means just laugh in his face. That was a test. And you, my friend, just passed it.

Don’t ever look directly at the Statue of Liberty. This one is serious. If you make eye contact with the Statue of Liberty you will see her every night in your dreams for seven years. You might be saying, “That doesn’t sound so bad.” Well, it’s bad. They’re not nice dreams. You’re not the same person after the Liberty nightmares. But don’t let this discourage you from visiting ol’ Lady Lib. Most New Yorkers pay her a visit every day. And if you go inside her head, you can hear her thoughts.

A lot of people think you shouldn’t make little kissy sounds at the pigeons. That’s actually a myth. You can make a few kissy sounds at the pigeons. Kiss, kiss, birdies. But don’t overdo it. Everyone will lose respect for you. But a little birdie kiss-kiss never hurt nobody.

You’ll never have a dull moment in New York—there’s so much to do. After scarfing a couple weenie-bo-beanies, take the local schmocal uptown to Central Park. Then immediately leave, because that place is for squirrels and Europeans. Walk fifteen blocks downtown and you’ll be standing in the coolest place in New York City: Port Authority.

The Port has got it all: Buses, benches, and rats the size of the Staten Island Ferry. Here’s the inside scoop: Go up to a window, any window, and ask for a bus ticket. Then get on the bus and ride that thing as far as you can. And get the heck outta here, ‘cause you ain’t from New York!