Camping: Just like Being at Home but Shittier
The water is so chalked full of minerals that no matter how hard I try, I cannot get the soap to lather. Just like the shower at home, but shittier.
Tag: Environment
This Year at COP28, We’re Just Reading Our Fern Gully Smut
Instead of practical commitments, we’ve asked them to show up with the filthiest, horniest fanfic about an environmentalist allegory ever.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar Executive
On Wednesday he ate through his employee's 401ks, but he was still hungry.
Customer Satisfaction Survey: Please Rate Your Recent Visit to View the Sunset
Was the Sun clean, odor-free, safe, and professional in appearance? How satisfied were you with your wait time for the Sun to set?
I’ve Traveled Back in Time to Be on the Forbes “30 Under 30”
With the last dregs of humanity, I became one of the lucky few to be invited into a reinforced bunker (along with my pal Mike, who is not as grateful).
Spiders Should Start Wearing Cute Little Hats
Picture a spider eating a child, but now it’s wearing a tasteful little beret. People will ask, “Wow is that spider French?”
Fuck You, Sunset
When Bob Ross painted you, he always put the trees in front of you. Don't wonder why.
Bullshit Candle Scents We’d Still Buy
Take a deep breath, relax, and let the current of "Ocean River Stream" carry you to notes of Mediterranean sex butter and unwashed ambrosia.
Coldness and Despair? January Is Here!
Making January fly by depends upon how much, or how little, you acknowledge in your mind that it's actually January.
What a Cloud Thinks YOU Look Like
The other day I caught up with a gaggle of humans bobbing around in a wave pool and the first thing I thought of was “flesh corks.”
Rules for Enjoying Edith Peckhurst Memorial Park
Use of this park is at your own risk. Such risk will not be assessed, even though this neighborhood has the highest population of actuaries in the city.
Trees Clap Back at Accusation of “Less Vibrant” Fall Foliage
The heat and the rain resulted in this season’s leaf color being a shade more subdued than in past years. But God, you’d think we killed Santa Claus.