Dear Frank,
We wanted to let you know how deeply we were moved by your generous mandatory contribution. 30% of your base income… It was just what we wanted! How in the world did you guess? You must be some kind of psychic (even though records clearly indicate that you are employed as an assistant dental hygienist, with some supplemental income as an Uber driver).
Anyway, thanks again for being such a pal and keeping this ol’ country going. All the best to your three dependents!
Forever yours,
The Internal Revenue Service
Hi Jessica,
It’s been a while, but we hope you’ve had a super fiscal year! We don’t usually do this, but because you’re such a special person in our lives, we thought you deserved to know exactly where your tax dollars are going. Pretty cool, right?
So, a lot of people’s money goes towards ordinary things like roads and schools, which is all fine and good. But you’re one of the lucky ones who has gotten to fund a really special project. In fact, every cent you’ve ever sent the government has gone to develop something called “blimp warfare.” We can’t go into too much detail—darn all that red tape haha—but we’re sure you feel that all of your hard-earned cash is going toward a good cause. Let’s just say that, if we play our cards right, we’ll be seeing you floating up in Chinese airspace in a couple years!
Best,
The IRS
Dear Emily,
OMG, are you the best or what? We have 168 million friends to collect from, but we were most excited for your paperwork. Nobody can fill out a 1040 quite like you. I mean, that purple ink you used? Hilarious. Our Deputy Commissioner was cracking up about it for weeks. We can only imagine how long it took you to plan that little number. If you can believe it, most people don’t seem that enthusiastic about paying their taxes. You’re one of the good ones, though.
Not to get too mushy here, but thanks for being a real friend. When you get a notice that you’re being audited, rest assured that you haven’t done anything wrong. We’re just looking for more opportunities to hang out!
Looking forward to reading so much more of that hilarious purple paperwork.
Thanks again,
Your BFFs (Bureau of Financial Friends)
Hey there Brian,
We thought it might be best to reach out to you directly about such a sensitive subject.
So listen, bro. There are absolutely no hard feelings about your paying literally nothing in taxes this year. No bullshit. We’re all good. Sure, it might seem slightly suspicious to some, seeing as how you’re the CEO of a multinational conglomerate with a net worth big enough to overload a graphing calculator. But we know there are most likely a boatload of legitimate reasons as to why you have no reportable income whatsoever.
Best of luck getting back on your feet, champ. We are always there for you. If there’s anything we can do to bail you out, just let us know.
Sincerely,
Your fellow coastal elites
Dearest Bernadette,
It is with tremendous gratitude that we scrawl this humble reply to your gift. How long have we known each other—has it really been 80 years!? We feel so lucky. You’ve been through so many ups and downs, and yet you never fail to remember our special day every spring. It must be tough for you since you lost Ed. And heaven knows your children don’t visit enough. But if you’re ever feeling lonely, you can always think of us as your family. It might be a bit strange, counting a federal agency with tens of thousands of employees as a loved one. Though that just means that there are tens of thousands of hugs waiting for you whenever you want them 🙂
Love,
The Internal Revenue Service
P.S. Our office has determined you still owe a sum of $13,603.41. Please send payment within 30 days or you will be penalized to the fullest extent of the law.