This Year I Finally Enter the Public Domain
What exciting interpretations will these visionaries have for my scoliosis, receding hairline, and fallen arches?
Tag: New Years
We’re Your Caramels from Three Christmases Ago, and It’s Very Unclear If We’re Still Good
We figured you just weren’t hungry or something, considering how often you used to snack on us.
This Year Let’s Have a Nice, Relaxing, Low-Key New Year’s Eve Orgy
Just you, me, a $20 bottle of pinot noir, and 5-8 professional sex associates that we host for a no-holes-barred 12-hour touchfest.
Simon Says for New Year’s Resolutions 2021
Simon says viable New Year’s resolutions for this group are probably simple things you can do in your home without giving up ANY vices.
10 People I Resolve Not to Date in 2021
The PhD student who worships Peter Travers and prefers Kurt Cobain’s technical prowess as a vocalist over Nirvana as a band.
The Dramatic History of Wacky New Year’s Eve Glasses
There have been rumblings around the office about how our company will manage to pull off our famous “zeros for eyes” design in the year 2010.
An Ode to the Lost Week
Maybe you’ve returned to your normal life and are back at work, arriving to a ghost town at 10 AM, taking a two-hour lunch, and leaving by 3 PM.
Today’s the Day We Finally Fulfill Those New Year’s Resolutions!
Breakfast is key. I’m thinking an egg white omelette, a couple slices of toast with peanut butter—wait where did you find a Gogurt?
The 3 Social Media Posts You’ll See on Your Feed Right After the Holidays
Get ready for that not-so-candid "candid" photo by the Christmas tree of the bride-to-be looking up at her 2-inch-taller groom like he's on a ladder.
To-Do List 2017: Apocalypse Won
Choose robot companion for president, as you inevitably prefer living in a blinged up White House adorned with gold droplets of dried Mexican tears.
Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2017
It's a brand new year and we can finally put all that BS behind us... unless you're David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, or Carrie Fisher.
7 New Year’s Resolutions Guaranteed to Protect and Defend “The American Way”
To me, Buck Crimshaw, your friend and trusted ally in the fight to right this damn ship we call the U.S.S. United States of America, it’s all about looking forward.