I’m a Reality Show Contestant, and I Did Come Here to Make Friends
’m going to run, jump, and climb over anything that stands between me and other people thinking good thoughts about me.
Comedy Writing
My Son Is a Baby and He Looks Nothing like Me
Rodney is a baby and I am an adult man. We look nothing alike. For starters, look at how much smaller Rodney is than me.
It Helps to Think of Europe as a Powder Keg, a Thing We Can All Picture
Are you picturing the powder keg? Think back to the last time you went out to sea and needed to bring a large amount of gunpowder.
At Our Montessori School, We Offer Drug Culture Without the Drugs
By the time your child is in elementary school, they’ll be able to replace your basement door with a beaded curtain adorned with Grateful Dead skulls.
This Country Music Star Is Not Apologizing for Stealing Your Lunch from the Office Fridge
Trent Dribbly is a gale-force wind of fresh air with his unapologetic attitude about stealing leftover food from coworkers.
The 12 Steps of Recovering a Forgotten Password
Somewhere, up in the cloud someplace, there is a benevolent being that can let you back into your SubzScription account.
Actor Bios for Your Town’s Fourth Production of “Shrek: The Musical”
I keep trying to bring up how none of us know our new lines or fit into our new costumes, but Duncan just keeps shouting, “That’s showbiz, baby.”
Writers: Are You a Plotter, a Pantser, or Are You Plotting Revenge on the Kid Who Pantsed You in High School Gym Class?
Some write to live out a fantasy that they were never granted: revenge on Frankie Wick, who pantsed them in Ms. Dakota’s class in the 9th grade.
We Didn’t Work Very Hard on This Elementary School Concert
Come on, these kids only have so much grit before they get completely fatigued.
These Anonymous Quotes That I Posted Online Have Nothing to Do With You, Steven
"A true friend doesn’t complain that they can’t give you their hoodie because their undershirt has an old stain.” --Anonymous
It’s the Third Act of Our Action Movie and the Perfect Time to Ride a Ferris Wheel
I assure you that there is no better place to be than in a rickety metal porch swing slowly ascending to the sky!
You Gotta Dance like Nobody’s Watching from the Narrow Slits of the Closet Door
Recite a mantra of personal affirmation loudly so that if someone were in the linen closet, they could hear you, but they’re not, so don’t worry.