As your employer, we pride ourselves on offering the most competitive benefits package available to you that the market, an impending recession, and federal compensation laws allow. Changes in that market and a memo from our CEO (a handwritten note that says “PROFIT” in crayon) have resulted in a few slight tweaks to your benefits package, changes you probably won’t even notice.

In lieu of paid sick days, all employees will be given a communal “sneeze rag,” to use as you see fit (subject to manager approval).

Paid Time Off will have to be scheduled two weeks in advance, after you’ve gone back to the past via employee-constructed time dilation device. To clarify: future requests have to happen after you’ve completed your time machine, but technically before you’ve built the time machine as it will happen in advance of your future past time off request. Any PTO questions can be submitted to Human Resources in the year 1997.

In-network medical providers are now limited to Dr. Kenneth Nussbaum, as well as Giggles M.D., which is when Dr. Nussbaum wears a shiny red nose before giving a toddler a booster shot. Co-pays are $175.

Our previous policy of zero in-office hawk attacks has been slightly adjusted to a new policy of many hawk attacks. Also, the coffee machine is gone (stolen by hawk).

Life insurance policies are actually being increased from $250,000 to $500,000, redeemable exclusively at the abandoned Dave & Buster’s in Ronkonkoma, New York.

The four percent 401k match has been replaced by 401 matches with 4% of the matchstick left, able to provide enough light for you to complete your work tasks. We’ve decided the benefit of electricity doesn’t align with our company goals of extracting every cent out of our workforce, so we’re moving toward what we call a hybrid vision model: sometimes you see, sometimes you don’t.

We know how much you all love the Clean Transit initiative, whereby the company pays for your bus, subway, or bike-share pass. That’s why we’re not getting rid of the Clean Transit initiative; we’re simply tweaking it to a new “Clean The Transit” initiative where employees can grab a rag and go clean as many buses or subways or whatever the working class is shuffling into work on these days. As a show of our generosity, no need to provide your own rags to clean the transit, simply grab a sneeze rag from the office and have fun.

Your pay is also being cut 30%. There is no euphemism for this. We dare you to do something about it.

One final update to the retirement plan: please do not plan on retiring. Doing so will void your 401 Match program, and you will be responsible for replenishing the company match drawer (located next to the sneeze rag holder), upon retirement. You will also forfeit your life insurance policy upon retirement, resulting in two dozen fourth graders from Ronkonkoma Elementary becoming very, very angry at their lack of Dave & Buster's plastic spider finger rings.

All of this info can be found in the portal for our benefits administrator, YouWork: Powered by WorkYou. Please make any adjustments to your information, withholding, or elective benefits by the first of the year before this one. Once that’s done, your manager will probably come over to your desk at lunch and tell you your maternity leave has been denied.

We hope you understand the need for these changes, but we do understand if leaving your role is the best option for you, which is why we’re offering a full severance package: Season One of Apple TV’s Severance on Blu-Ray, and a cameo from a John Turturro impersonator.

Any further questions can be directed to Yvette in Human Resources. Yvette is a hawk.