I recently joined a dating site. Turns out women find me utterly resistible.

— John Skaggs

Scientists declared multitasking a myth because when you multitask there is an increase in error, it also takes longer than completing one task at a time… is not the answer to “why did it take women so long to get the vote” according to my ex.

— Harrison Clark

Why don't animals ever 69? Because they can't count that far.

— Behzad Barkhordari

McDonald's Employee: The ice cream machine is broken.
Women: I can fix him.

— Vic Pinto,

My girlfriend is obsessed with true crime documentaries about women who kill their husbands. I'm starting to worry about her husband.

— Zach Zajac,

“Mommy, what’s that deep groaning sound from inside the walls, saying that being with an adequate partner is preferable to risking a lifetime of loneliness?”
“Don’t worry, Sweetie, that’s just the house settling.”

— John-Clark Levin,

I’m so into shopping local these days I’m dating someone from my hometown.

— Melanie Shapiro,

I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.

— Laksha Vijaikumar

Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.

— Melanie Shapiro,

Weathermen don’t have regretful one-night stands, they have overnight lows.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

I want a man who will text me less than Seamless when food is on the way, but more than Seamless after I tell them the order was wrong.

— Rachel Geman,

I’ve been a cereal stocker for a while at my local grocery store. The pay is okay, but it makes for a terrible introduction when I go on first dates.

— Gaspare Marsala

People look at me funny when I tell them I'm color blind. I'm not a freak. I still get turned on by peacocks!

— Mark Oliver,

I don’t know if my blood has a type. I’ve never let it date anyone.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

Boy, are you serotonin because I just don’t get you.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

I should have known Waldo would disappear on me like that. There were so many red and white flags.

— Taylor Owen

Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.

— Carter Deems

*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.

— Christine Eno McMahon,