2. It’s predictable. Wow, 2 came after 1. Just like you expected. It’s dangerous to take anything for granted these days, but that felt pretty good.
If they say something like, "Nice cowboy hat, asshole," pretend you didn’t hear—even though you're the only asshole wearing one.
I want to feed my cell phone to an alligator without causing the alligator any digestive issues.
Podcasting: In your 2 AM hunt for distraction, you stumble on a fun fact. Did you know that platypuses are blue and green under ultraviolet light?
Looking around, all I see are duds. In the sandbox, I see toddlers who don’t even know how to use their own feet.
“The ABCs” isn’t even a good name. I don’t really see the draw.
Thanks to you and the Magical Musical Mat™, every minute of my life is now a beeping, squawking, nonstop honking nightmare.
Some write to live out a fantasy that they were never granted: revenge on Frankie Wick, who pantsed them in Ms. Dakota’s class in the 9th grade.
Dorothy Hamill, for inspiring the bowl cut my mom gave me from ages 6-12.
I give you that quick dopamine rush that makes you feel like your life is actually in your own control.
As you run your fingers over my spine, you think: “This is it. This is the year I get my shit together.”
Am I not a multi-million dollar painting too? I’m tired of listening to tour guides only talk about Starry Night.