I’m the Man Who Gets Paid to Say “Tut Tut” Every Time You Think About Sex
Depending on how gross the thought is, I’ll either do a full “tut tut” or just a simple tongue cluck. It’s an art, really.
Tag: America
A Northern Writer Writes a Southern Story
Pa was hard at work at his moonshine-still turning cotton into cotton gin. Grandpa was reading the paper. The paper was also Southern.
Congratulations Patriot, You’ve Been Selected to Get Launched into Space
For safety, we’re tying you right to the tip of the rocket—far from the hot hot thrusters. You’ll also get plenty of SPF to protect you.
Notable Events from NASA’s Early Space Program
1851: As railroads begin crisscrossing the nation, NASA constructs its own line of over 300 feet of railroad track going straight upward.
Now That Everyone Knows Aliens Exist, Can I Please Hang Out with You Guys after Work?
I offered to shapeshift so that I look exactly like Kevin or even just wear a baseball cap if it would be helpful.
I Used to Be on the Left; Then They Laughed at My Forbidden Experiments
People I trusted to think through issues started quoting slogans I didn’t understand. “The dead are better off remaining dead,” they would say.
Why I, a 1960s Business Man Having an Affair, Believe Everyone Needs to Return to Office
Millennials and Gen Z don’t understand how valuable a sense of camaraderie is, or how important mistress time is.
Have You Even Lived?
Eaten an Oreo without twisting it open and gnawing out the cream; just bit right into that motherfucker.
Finally, Some Representation for Virgins in Politics!
He’ll make sure every American has access to basic libido killers, like subscriptions to the Criterion Channel and graphic tees that say “Mommy’s Little Gamer.”
If American Girl Dolls Were Too Historically Accurate
Kit is just as ready to play as she is to teach your little one about life during the Great Depression!
Town in Massachusetts or Archaic Insult?
Peabody, Maynard, Wantwit, Athol, Muckspout: fastest route to Muckspout or scathing flurry of insults?
My Typical Day in Washington DC, As Imagined by Aunt Susan
9:45 AM: “Talk to me,” I say, as I answer my phone.