What I Think It Would Be Like to Be Athletic
I'm an athletic person so the sweatband is useful and does not look like the beginnings of a goofy '80s Halloween costume.
Tag: Clothes
How to Stop Teenagers from Making Fun of You in Public
If they say something like, "Nice cowboy hat, asshole," pretend you didn’t hear—even though you're the only asshole wearing one.
I’m an Hermés Sales Associate, and You Need to Get the Fuck Out
We are here to serve scorn and derision, and able to discern the net worth of patrons with a half-second, contemptful glance.
These Are the Shoes That Will Solve Everything
They are also ethically made, but somehow cost $12. These shoes make me look both mature but playful, demure but bold, casual but elegant.
18 Ways to Repurpose Your Bridesmaid Dress After the Wedding
2. Wear it as a Halloween costume! There’s nothing more terrifying than the repercussions of the wedding-industrial complex.
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish” T-Shirts for Those with Partial Ancestry
Go on two dates with me that seem to go well, but then inexplicably ghost me, I’m half Irish
The Best Outfit for Your Star Sign According to Your Puritan Astrologer
Aquarius: Who is morally frail? Thou art. Immoral thoughts cause your complexion to redden.
Spiders Should Start Wearing Cute Little Hats
Picture a spider eating a child, but now it’s wearing a tasteful little beret. People will ask, “Wow is that spider French?”
Top 4 Back to School Outfits That Will Make Jason from Chemistry Cream His Pants
When Jason sees you wearing this in chemistry class, he’s gonna cream his jeans so hard that the frog he’s dissecting will come back to life!
I Really Shouldn’t Have Worn a Suit on This Camping Trip
“We’re not in the boardroom anymore, eh fellas?” I said. But Ross seemed genuinely injured.
Christmas Songs Detailing the Sordid Saga of Santa’s Elfskin Boots
(Hark! The Herald Angels Sing) Hush! Santa will hear our plotting, He’s gone mad, brain is rotting. We should organize a coup, Before he makes new boots from you.
We Are Discontinuing Your Favorite Underwear
But our new line of Terra® products is now made of cost-saving, eco-friendly burlap, with ties and closures of jute twine!