What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette
I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.
I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.
I don't want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me? Being bad feels GOOD.
You’re young, your hormones are raging. All you want to do is figure out what the shadowy figure following you through mirrors is saying.
Depending on how gross the thought is, I’ll either do a full “tut tut” or just a simple tongue cluck. It’s an art, really.
In five years I hope I can stop dwelling on the time when I was sucked into the thick swamp ooze only to be rescued by a creature of the night.
Monday: Put on the same underwear you wore yesterday. Mistake a wolf for your grandma.
“I know you mean well, Dad,” my sister said. “But these days, it’s considered more polite to say ‘enormous insect’ rather than ‘monstrous vermin’.”
Nice place. Lovely sheets. Good shampoo. Someone kissed me in the middle of the night.
We want to extend our deepest gratitude to you for believing in our potato chips. Those other people who didn’t buy our chips can go right to hell.
'Tis a noble tradition, even though I could just as easily say all this to that carrier pigeon X, formerly known as Twitter.
Do not stay on the toilet for extended periods. By minute three or four you’re risking a nasty bite.
While on the outside I look like I spent a past life as a lava lamp, my insides are as square as an actuary’s lunch box.